Parenting a defiant child comes with many challenges. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry lists the following behaviors common to defiant children: engaging in temper tantrums, arguing with adults, refusing to comply with rules and limits, demonstrating verbal aggression toward others when upset, easily displaying anger and frustration, attempting to annoy or to upset others and refusing to take accountability for their behavior. Many parenting techniques can be used to decrease defiance and to assist children in making healthy behavioral choices.
Step 1
Clearly define the behavioral expectations you have for your child. Take into consideration the rules that he has difficulty following, such as listening to directions. Clarify the rules so they are specific and understandable. For example, establish a rule that your child will listen and follow directions within three verbal prompts.
Step 2
Implement a behavior chart for your child to reinforce positive behavior and compliance with rules. Choose three or four behaviors that you would like your child to improve upon. Reinforce progress with rewards or privileges that your child considers desirable to motivate positive behavior.
Step 3
Impose consequences when your child acts out defiantly. If the child's actions are aggressive, dangerous or disrespectful, remove privileges to further discourage the misbehavior. Punishments need not be extreme or lengthy to effectively decrease defiance.
Step 4
Avoid power struggles with your child by increasing effective communication. Rather than arguing, it is important to give you and your child time to cool down after a conflict. Once the situation has deescalated, you can rationally discuss the incident or conflict that occurred and work toward developing a solution. Speak respectfully, and avoid blaming, yelling, put downs and threats.
Step 5
Collaborate with your child to resolve conflicts. Make a list of agreeable solutions, and determine how they can be achieved. Michael Bloomquist, author of the book "Skills Training for Children With Behavior Disorders," advises that the family should come up with possible solutions and consider how they will make each family member feel. Once the family collectively agrees on a solution, it is then carried out and evaluated to determine whether it was successful.
Tips and Warnings
- Parenting a defiant child requires change from the child as well as from the parents. It is recommended that parents attend parenting classes and support groups to develop effective parenting skills and to receive guidance and encouragement.
- The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry advises that if a child demonstrates frequent and consistent "uncooperative, defiant and hostile behavior toward authority that seriously interferes with the youngster's day to day functioning," a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) may be indicated.
References
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: Children With Oppositional Defiant Disorder
- "Skills Training for Children With Behavior Disorders: A Parent and Therapist Guidebook"; Michael L. Bloomquist; 1996
