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Member Comments
By nhuester on October 2, 2009 at 01:59 PM
my relationship has ended before. I was finishing college, had lost 2 grandmothers during the 2 1/2 years together, was dealing with choices ahead and just not ready to decide that the relationship was "the one." I dated others and chose to try the relationship again. We're now approaching 5 years and I've temporarily moved out of the apt we share. We've lived together, off and on, for nearly 4 years. The reason for this time: I have decided that I am not ready to marry some of his "things." There are things he's done in the last year that have never been a part of our lives, but if they continue, they're deal breakers! I've stepped away to let him figure out the importance of these things. I have been asking him to stop these new things before and he's made the promises in the past. Now i just have to see that he can live his life without these things. I still see him 2 or 3 times a week, but there's only so much effort I can put in without feeling ignored. I'm sure about the things I need from a partner- I just hope he's not too far from from his true self to still be my partner. I don't want to change the guy, just reconnect with the one I knew...
By tlej2004r on November 10, 2009 at 12:26 PM
Good for you for having the strength to be able to walk away... that's a very difficult thing to do, but marraige is such a serious commitment.. I think people forget that sometimes.
By tlej2004r on November 10, 2009 at 12:23 PM
My husband I have been married for 7 years on Nov. 20th. He has struggled with a drinking problem and I have gotten tired of trying quite frankly. He always is so moody, and I don't think he really likes anything or anyone anymore. I have tried to start being really positive and happy go lucky but it's been really hard. I don't want our marriage to fall apart but it's been a ROUGH year and his attitude is really starting to pull me down.
By getnskinny121 on September 14, 2009 at 06:47 PM
We broke up over a month ago but we have been best friends for over 9 years. So we still talk every day and still see each other as often as possible. We took time apart to appreciate each other again. Because all the time we were spending together witch was 24/7 made us lose appreciation for each other. So its one day at a time and I do all these little things to show him how much I still love him.
By guitarsolo30 on November 8, 2009 at 07:31 AM
i understand what you mean, my girlfriend was also my best friend, and when we were together during the summer, we spent almost everyday together, and i think that did change the appreciation for each other, but when she went to school i missed her more than anything
By guitarsolo30 on November 8, 2009 at 06:44 AM
i was dating this girl for just under a year, she is the love of my life. I love absolutely everything about this girl. its our first year of college, she is going to school thats only about 50 minutes away from where i live, and 30 minutes from my school. about a month into school somethings started changing, she decided that she didnt love me anymore, and that she wanted to take sometime for herself to figure out what she wants. then she just decided that it was over. that was about a month and half- two months ago. we still texted a little bit, but recently i got sick and she called me, we talked for an hour and a half about nothing at all, our relationship never came up, just that old excitement that she brought to my life. later that night we were texting and she asked me how i was doing with all of what happened. i said that i was slowly getting better, and she told me that she was actually getting worse, she said she realized that she made a huge mistake and that really misses having me to talk to, and that im a great guy and she doesnt want anyone else. now after she dumped me, i tried to suppress my feelings for her to try to get over her, but when she told me how she was feeling all these feelings came rushing back, when she told me that she missed me i was honestly crippled, i had to sit down, my heart has never felt anything like that before, i love her with all of my heart. i dont know what to do, i love this girl more than anything, she is the only girl for me, but what if she hurts me again? thanks for any advice
By jhemp on August 18, 2009 at 11:55 AM
Hello Everybody,
I am in the process of rebuilding my relationship with my wife (my all around dreamgirl). I dont have much to say right now but have a lot of experience up to this point. I have been with my wife for 21 years and married 20 of them. Our relationship is in a place that feels like the end. It is very odd for me to think that my life and what I will possibly build past a point will be with out her by my side. My picture of my dream life has always been a picture of her, my kids and myself. I will leave it at that for now...and wish everyone the best of luck in rebuilding your relationships.
By ukgirl on August 29, 2009 at 12:47 AM
I know they say its the seven year itch, but it always seems to be that it comes every seven years. You are on round 3 of that!
I am guessing as well that the kids are almost grown and ready to leave the nest and you are having to find the relationship you had with each other prior to the kids. That's the tough one. Remember you have been through a lot together and as long as you both want it, you will find a way to be together.
By Anonymous on October 29, 2009 at 01:58 PM
Good luck bro!!! The best it yet to come!!!
By Anonymous on May 17, 2009 at 07:45 AM
My husband had an affair which almost ended with us divorced. We seperated and was just about to file the final papers and we decided to try to make it work. We were married for 5 yrs (together for 25 years). Well, I told him he needs to make sure this is what he wants because I think he may have ended up with the other women but she did what a real relationship, just like breaking up happy homes. Anyway, I think they may still be in contact. I told him he could have any many female "friends" (this is what he always called her) as he wanted, she just couldn't be one of them. I knew they were much more than just friends. Well, I told him that I needed to see his cell phone bill just to make me feel better and rebuild my trust in him. He refuses (this is how I discovered the affair). When I ask why he says Im trying to control him. I think this is a very small thing to ask since Im the one who was hurt so deeply by his actions. I know by him not showing me the bill is an answer to my question. I guess I dont need to see it I already know.
We get along alot better since reuniting but the doubts and bad memories alway resurface and creates tension. I dont know how to deal with this.
By ukgirl on May 17, 2009 at 12:43 PM
Been there done that.......
First off is he with you because he wants to be or is it that she doesnt want him? Next if they are still in contact via the cell phone can you see the calls? If you still doubt him and you want proof, and are prepared to deal with the consequences then you may want to hire a PI to get the proof for you. That creates lots of other questions, but if you need to know then get the proof and either show him the proof to fight for the relationship or it gives you the proof to fight in the divorce.
I am sorry things went wrong for you. For me I asked that she no longer contact him on his cell and he did stop messaging her, however she kept trying and my answer was either you tell her to stop or I will. Apparently he told her and life is getting back to normal, is it hard, Yes. Do I still feel the pain, yes. BUT we are both trying to work things out and you can to, if its what you both want.
Keep talking and come to us for support
By pajones1972 on July 28, 2009 at 08:09 AM
Is the cell phone only in his name? Do you have a cell phone? Do you get one bill or two. If one, then you don't need his "permission". Call the company and ask for a copy. Do you get paper bills? If so, make it to the mail box before he does.
By babysinblue on July 28, 2009 at 10:18 AM
You would be surprised how guys feel about us looking through their stuff even with their permission. They feel like they lose their male Alphaness when they have to explain, even if they are in the wrong.
Good Luck. You would find out more if you were asking him to give you the proof.
Also, if you decided to fight for the relationship you eventually have to let go of the affair b/c it can't control your relationship, not if it is ever going to be healthy again.
By Anonymous on October 22, 2009 at 07:04 AM
Im THERE!
Here is some suggestions - For your own piece of mind you can go online and pull up phone records for that phone number. It really doesn't require much - depending on what phone company your going through just log onto that web page. Obviously if he does this online - he'll have a password - and you may not be able to get into it unless you know it.
He may be in contact with her by phone - do you know he's not "seeing her?" I attached a GPS Tracker to my husbands truck - AMAZING little device. Sounds obsessive, but in my case I really wanted to believe him! After 20 years I really didn't want to think my best friend could do this to me. Low and behold thanks to the GPS Tracker I found many occasions when he was somewhere he said he wasn't. I'll tell you it sucks knowing the truth in so many ways - but made me realize I wasn't a crazy obsessive bitch (his words) - he was just making me feel that way cus he was guilty and didn't want to be caught!
Good Luck!
By Anonymous on September 25, 2009 at 11:49 AM
so good.
By Anonymous on September 23, 2009 at 09:44 AM
Ok, she called me while I was working and asked me to look up directions for her and then text them to her, now mind you she made this appointment on Saturday and f'd around and didn't get the directions on her own. I told her I was working and SHE got mad at me saying I would do it in a heart beat if it were one of my friends, then she hung up. She immediately started texting me then called me back and proceeded to get pissy with me while I am at my desk and my co-workers were around, I hung up on her. I then sent her rapid fire texts cussing her out. I didn't appreciate her calling me on my job in that manner and then getting mad at me for something that was her responsibility. If I wasn't busy I could have and would have done so like any other time. But she expects that when she is in need the world is supposed to stop on a dime. Oh that took me to my highest level of pisstivity. I calmed down and was fine later on. She texted me to check up on me to see if I was still angry in the evening telling me "oh good, because you were crazy"
By Anonymous on September 22, 2009 at 03:56 PM
Broke up with my girlfriend about 2 1/2 months ago after being in a 5 1/2 year relationship. The problem isn't the absence of love on either side, the problem is that I have constantly felt unimportant and lowest on her list. She is the mother of 2 beautiful kids and between them, her job, their father and her friends they keep her running. The problem is that she can't say no to other people like her friends or co-workers and she constantly makes commitments to them when she really doesn't have the time or energy. Which leaves our relationship to suffer. She has been trying to convince me to give the relationship another chance and I want it to work so I am going to give it a try. I am treading lightly though...
By MrsLerner on September 22, 2009 at 05:21 AM
It was really bad today, but I survived. So finally, I called in the troops. Also known as married women who have been married for over two years who I trust to keep private what I say and who I respect. These women suggested that I put in more effort. At first, the only thing I could think was...you're out of your mind! He misbehaves and I have to work harder? But they eventually made sense. "Make your husband feel like a king and then demand that he treat you like his queen." I can see the logic in that. Therefore, tonight he will come home to a mostly clean house (whatever I can get done in three hours) and dinner cooked and his wife looking as if we were going out on a date. Then, over dinner, I will request of him the following: List five things you have to have done daily for your happiness and I will make it my top priority to get them done before you get home. Here are my five things that I have to have done daily for my happiness. I will make what is important to you important to me if you make what is important to me important to you. I hope that this will be the start to progress in my relationship. I'll let you know how it works!
By MrsLerner on September 21, 2009 at 01:55 PM
I got married in March of 2009 and now that it is September, the marriage has completely fallen apart. My husband is overly controlling and I am incredibly frustrated. We're seeking help but there is a long road to good relationship.
By Anonymous on September 21, 2009 at 08:31 PM
I can relate. I married my husband in October of 08 and since then I've lost a brother, my security, my spark and other things that I once had. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to remain positive and hopeful but it is SO hard. I've turned to my children and faith quite a bit but I think ultimately, me and my hubby are going to have to stick with our promises. One thing I've noticed over the last 9 years is there is little consistency. It's like a bad diet; "Oh, I'll start tomorrow..." Finally, it just becomes cyclical. Good luck with your marriage and I hope things work out for you two.
By Anonymous on September 8, 2009 at 03:58 PM
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut... I've been in the same relationship for over 3 years.. and yes, it's been hard.. and of course it hasn't been perfect.. but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm not valued... I feel alone... and I feel abandoned... I just don't have the energy anymore... I don't want to keep on fighting... it's like a deja-vu.. because it's always the same problem.. over, and over, and over again... and I'm just tired of it all...
By Anonymous on September 9, 2009 at 12:12 PM
When's the last time you did something to make YOURSELF happy?
I find that when we're caught in a rut, especially when it revolves around a relationship, we are wasting time trying to satisfy them but fail to see any result because we are so miserable ourselves!
Take a breather..step away from the relationship and evaluate what you want. You can't decide whether this is the person you want to be with over-night. Baby steps and you will get there :)
By Anonymous on September 9, 2009 at 12:10 PM
My fiance and I just went through an awful time where I was ready to close the door on our relationship.
It took being with out each other to realize how much we value our love, each other and our relationship and life together. We have rough moments (do to one's one-time infidelity) but the good is far out-weighing the bad. I hope we can continue this uphill climb.
We are taking a vacation together to San Diego for a few days to really enjoy our love and I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.
By jhemp on September 8, 2009 at 09:51 AM
Hello All,
Well the long labor day weekend is over and I must say its the best weekend that I have had in a long time. Things at home are getting better and that is what I have been longing for. I still struggle with some things, but they say that nothing worth having comes with out hard work. So...I am in it for the long haul. Day by day, one day at a time is how I will make progress with this relationship. I hope all is well with everyone else and thank you for this outlet.
By Anonymous on August 3, 2009 at 06:35 AM
My husband is always at work and when he's not physically at work, he is working from home or working on a project or something. He's grumpy about 90% of the time or so. So, here's my end....
My hubby works leaves the house at 7am, comes home around 7pm. When he comes home, he usually heats up his dinner and sits on the sofa with his laptop. Of course, lets not leave out that since he can't hear the alarm clock so I have to awaken him (and he doesn't awaken easily - I have to keep waking him up for about 30 min before he actually gets up) at 6:30am so he can leave on time. Which translates to me having to get up at 6 am so that he is up by 6:30 (let's not leave out that I don't have to be up until 7:00 am).
I have 3 children (4,6 & 10). I work part time (8:30 - 3 3 days a week and 8:30 - Noon 1 day), do the cleaning, shopping, laundry, errands, wash & dress the kids, bathtime, bedtime,make breakfast lunch & dinner, take care of the pets, financial stuff, dr visits, sports, girl scouts, daisy scouts, choir, I am active in at least 3 church functions, etc. Basically he doesn't do much around the house. He cuts the grass when he can and does handyman stuff when needed.
That being said, he works hard, has a good job, and he loves and cares about us. The biggest problem is, for someone who is not here but about 3-4 hours a day when you subtract work & sleep, he's sure got a lot of negative hurtful things to say about how I do things and whether or not the house is messy, what the girls did that day, if I made it to appts on time and whether or not I got everything done HE wanted me to get done. Then, he turns around and says "You need to take more time for yourself" and "I want you to get some rest", and he complains about him not having "me time" Then of course, he gets mad if I don't want to have sex after all that!
What's your end?
By peridot1383 on August 3, 2009 at 03:33 PM
Oh boy. You certainly have your hands full over there... Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about it? Or maybe show him a letter that describes the scenario clearly kinda like this letter but without the resentful tone. Let him know that you understand where he's coming from but that he needs to return that favor. He might think that your life comparatively doesnt justify your frustration, when in reality he just doesn't know all that's going on because he's at work! Make sure you put yourself and your kids first. You sound like an amazing strong person and I certainly admire your courage and selflessness. Demand that respect you deserve.
By ukgirl on August 29, 2009 at 12:45 AM
OK my take on this is simple he has no idea what you do during the day. He thinks that as you only work part time you have time to deal with everything else. Mine I am sure felt the same until I was in hospital and he had to deal with the school run, then he went to work, then collected the kids, then did homework, then activities, then dinner, story and bed. Then hubby had to finish his work he didnt get to during the afternoon. He soon understood and now at least tries to help by sometimes doing the grocery run, or coming to collect the kids from an activity or if they are in two different places collecting one of them for me and sometimes if I am out with the kids he will cook dinner.
My advice, let hubby take over for a couple of days, totally take over and see how it feels.
By kelly31284 on July 22, 2009 at 08:14 AM
My boyfriend and I have been "dating" for over 4 years and we have been living together for over 1 year. It is constantly an up-hill battle. We argue over the most stupid things, but I am starting to think we both just like to argue. He tells me he isn't happy because of my weight. Somehow no matter what he does wrong it always comes back to me being overweight as the problem. Most people would say this should be under the end a relationship section, but I don't want it to end and he must not really either or he would have been long gone by now.
I have started a new diet and exercise program in hopes of bettering myself, but this time I am going to try and do it more for my health and well-being instead of just to make him happy. I also am going to strive not to argue as much, stop bringing up old issues, and talk more openly with him.
Wish me luck... I'm going to need it!
By babysinblue on July 26, 2009 at 09:59 AM
Performing any kind of challenge such as bettering yourself will only work for you. Evaluate why and when he says things about your weight. Some people are find one thing that gets under skin and use that just becaue they know it will achieve the desired outcome.
Be strong...only you will know if your relationship is worth it. Good Luck
By Anonymous on July 24, 2009 at 10:09 AM
well i dont show the wife enough affection and give no time 4 her,i grumpy and always at work,need to change but its the between the rock and the hard place scenario
By jachelle22 on May 30, 2009 at 07:58 PM
my girlfriend keeps insisting that I have to lose weight...that she doesn't love the person she sees when she looks at me...am I wrong to get mad? I thought that when you love someone you love them for them...Its hard because I love her deeply and I have been trying to lose weight but its hard and has been a constant batter for many years...I'm just looking for so suggestions on what I should do...
By ukgirl on June 7, 2009 at 06:07 PM
I believe that your girlfriend is trying to help you get some strength to deal with the weight. If it truly is an issue talk it over with your PCP and see if there is any support for you.
By saldistefano on July 13, 2009 at 08:27 AM
I suspect what she said may have been mis-stated or mis-interpreted. She may love you but not like what she sees because of concern about your health.
Weight loss is hard, it takes real commitment and lifestyle change. There are hundreds of people and places to get help from if YOU really want to make a change. You are never going to change because she thinks you should.
I found motivation in the fact that I wanted my spouse to be attracted to me, I wanted to look nice for her. If you are overweight, there is much more to it than how you look. If your weight condition is far enough out of control, it could be a serious health issue. Try to use your relationship and the fact that she is concerned about your weight to your advantage. Go for walks together, have her help support you in what you eat, etc.
I wish you luck. Feel free to friend me if you want a buddy to help you with your weight loss. I\'m always happy to provide support, ideas and encouragement.
By kelly31284 on July 21, 2009 at 07:39 PM
My boyfriend keeps insisting that I lose weight so I know what you mean. It pisses me off everytime I hear it. Yeah, she could be trying to encourage you, but there are a lot nicer ways to go about it. Try asking her to work out with you or go on a diet with you if she is so insistant. I tried this with no avail, but it might work for you.
By randall_tj on May 12, 2009 at 06:34 AM
I have been married for ten years. during that time alot of me has changed by both my parents dieing, wehn i lost them i believe mind locked up on feelings and therfore i walked around with blinders on. the past five of those years i have been very codependent on my wife. meaning when she is angry, i'm angry when she is happy, i'm happy.
3 weeks ago she asked for a seperation (we are currently sleeping in seperate bedrooms), we have two children 10 and 5 yrs old.
she has always told me the past two years (i need to change) I did not understand what that had meant.
2 days after our seperation, i really realized what she meant by telling me that. I realized saw what i have been doing to her and our childeren I really understand where i went wrong with all the things i have done to my wife with my words. I just didn't understand what this meant before.
She says she fell out of love with me. I love her more than ever. I am working on changing my character defects. The changes in me in the past 3 weeks have already made positive changes on my children. i'm hopeful we can work this out. She says she has forgiven me but can't forget. Can our marriage be saved before a divorce? I just don't know. I am determined to work on me and correct my character to be a better person and loving husband.
I have thanked her for the seperation, because it really has opened my mind up and i'm happy we haven't even argued about anything in 4 weeks. I'm just taking it one day at a time and setting small goals each day.
does anyone have any positive suggestions or similar experiences.
By ukgirl on May 12, 2009 at 12:32 PM
First off the threat of the separation really seemed to wake you up and change, make sure that change is permanent.
As for your wife, give her time and space let her realize that she still loves you its hard but it can be done. Also consider some counseling both together and apart to talk through the issues it often helps to hear someone else talk and for you both to feel free to say your thoughts without repercussions.
Good luck to you both.
By randall_tj on May 26, 2009 at 09:40 AM
May 26th My wife realizes i have changed for the better, I now know she is second guessing the threat of divorce. AS i continue to work on my core hurts and pay attention to my wife's feelings. So far the Baby steps are working.
By randall_tj on June 11, 2009 at 09:46 AM
June 10th taking one day at a time. I'm a much better person and ask god everyday for the strength and courage to change for the better. We made love for the first time in months, how great if feels to receive your partners love.
Everyone is living a better life today.
By NampaStyle on June 22, 2009 at 05:08 PM
It's not the falling out of love...it's falling out of commitment. You have to re-commit to each other. you have to be a rock for her to lean on so that she can be a rock for the household and children. You must be a knight and treat her like a queen. tell her every time you get a chance how sexy, beautiful, hot, sweet, smart, wonderful and on and on she is. My husband and I were lying in bed last night and he took my face in his hands and said, "you look so beautiful right now" well guess what happened after that....ya well. We women feel ugly after having kids, then you have to remember that the house is our work...and having a kid knock on the door while your trying to have sex sucks! Sometimes getting away from the house is the best thing you can do for a woman. It's like getting away from your job. you have to start first thing in the morning with women. start the day off with making her coffee and toast and write her a love note telling her how beautiful she is. keep telling her every time you see her complement her. We women need that constantly. non of this, "well I told you last christmas you are pretty" I need it all the time.
By saldistefano on July 13, 2009 at 08:15 AM
Hi Randall
I have been through something very similar. We were seperated and living apart. We have two girls 10 and 12. It has been rough on everyone. You may find it difficult to be consistent. Falling back to old habits is easy to do. Make sure you keep talking and working on the things you need to change. Sharpen those skills until the behaviors you want are your new habits.
I can relate to the codependency as well. My wife has a chronic illness and when she is now feeling well, it affects me as well. I\'m learning to have it affect me differently now.
I commend you for your efforts and hope you find happiness in your new found change.
By matthere1 on July 9, 2009 at 07:06 AM
Thanks for the words ukgirl and running5k2day!
We are going on a date this Friday. Movie or eat out. We're both giddy about it.