Dare to Rebuild a relationship
492 members Daring to Rebuild a relationship have tracked a total of 331 times
Rebuild a relationship that may have gone awry and strengthen your commitment to one another. This can be an empowering step that benefits both parties for the long run.
Member Comments
That is a perfect goal. Congrats on the twins
Wishing you the best of luck. I have 3 year old twins. I breastfed my twins the first year and it strained our marriage to an almost breaking point. I was tired, frustrated and wanted nothing to do with my husband. I believe that if I had just been a bit more relaxed and trusting to leave the kids for an hour or two...all was going to be okay.
I encourage you to go out on dates, give her some time off to herself as well. Allow her time to go to the bookstore to pick up a new book, or get her hair done or do whatever she wants even if it means going to the bedroom to be by herself for an hour. It does wonders!!!
Please be supportive and understanding. It's really stressful being a mom...throw in an extra baby and wow!!! Congratulations on your twins.
He had an attitude with me numerous times today... but instead of getting upset myself, I tried to stay calm...
turned out great =)
I try to do that as well, but sometimes he is like a bear with a sore head and everything the family does is wrong. So all credit to you for staying strong.
I take it hubby was working all day. Was there anyway that you could have waited for him to talk to him or would he have been in a crappy mood?
I've been with my current boyfriend for about 10 months now; we've been living together for about 5 months. I remember in the beginning everything was so magical (duh)... I was so carefree, and he just intrigued me so.
Sometimes, especially now, I feel like we're growing apart, and that neither of us is happy as we could be apart. Numerous times I've been close to breaking up with him... But then it just seems like its one of those pointless things where a girl is "looking for something more" and then later realizes they gave up their true happiness for a fairytale that will never come true.
Our relationship has been really rocky lately... We were out last night with some friends, and he was just having the time of his life (like how I remember him) with them, and I was just sort of in the background... He mentioned later that I looked upset the entire time.
To be honest, I was feeling left out and awkward... They were HIS friends, and I've noticed that both my boyfriend and I take on the same role in a group of people (the outgoing, crazyish type)... and that sometimes I get, idk what to call it... but opressed I suppose? When he takes my position in the group... I didn't even think about it like this until late last night, and I actually spoke to him about it...
He just sighed and said he "guessed" that made sense and rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm determined to make things better. I want to be my old outgoing self; I'm tired of worrying so much about "adult" things (finances, schooling, career, etc) and I want to be able to LIVE happily instead of wasting my life away and losing him.
I hope you can get to be the person you are, however, we all have to do adult things, just we have to learn how we can do them and still be a happy person.
First day of counseling yesterday. More getting to know us and our situation then any real work, but just going is real work isn't it? It was very emotional and pretty draining as a result. I think it took more out of both of us then we realized it would. It is going to be hard, but we are both commited. I am nervous and excited about the process, I just need to remember that there is much to do in the week between sessions.
i have been married for almost 8 years, since the beginning of this year things have been somewhat rough. my husband has been put on 15 hour shifts at work *military* on and off, and im not used to him not being around, were moving at the end of this month so ive got that extra added stress, visiting my family for a month without him with me = more stress. I did a stupid small crazy thing yesterday, got jealous over really dumb things, and blew up and really hurt his feelings, and I know he is still having a hard time with it. I plan to work on patching up the hurt feelings, and everything that comes with it. I feel horrible for being so dumb/mean, I just hope he can truly forgive me for being kinda crazy for those couple hours.
OK I am sure he understands the stress that you are under and will forgive the outburst, remember that he is also under stress working long shifts. Please make time for each other.
I have studied the book entitled (love without hurt) I reccomend this book to anyone. this book has made a world of difference in myself. Remember we are not perfect.
Here's the thing, you have to understand that he is probably getting respect at work that he's not getting at home. I'll tell you want will make you and him soooo happy. fix yourself up every single morning even if he isn't there so that you feel good about yourself. and then treat him like he's the hottest thing alive and you can't get enough. If he touches you react with moans...give him sexy phone calls at work. Don't leave him to visit your family alone. make life all about him. if he complements you, REWARD him...My husband the other day said, "you are so pretty" and I wrote back to him, "when you say things like that, I just want to rub my naked body all over you" The next day he got me first class airline tickets to Alaska where he's flying helicopter. Don't stress out that he doesn't understand how stressful things are. dump that stress. get wild be lovers again. let the wall down and have fun.
She isn't sure if she will ever be able to trust me again. How do you prove you are telling the truth!? She told me last night that she also isn't sure if she can ever be truely happy if we stay together. That really hurt to hear. I truely want her to be happy, I just really hope I am in the picture. It is hard to admit, but if she would be happier without me, it would be better. I want her to be a happy strong woman and mother. We are going to start couples therapy soon. I think she sees how serious and committed I am to trying to make this work. I just hope I haven't hurt her too much.
Unfortunately it takes a lot of time to fix the hurt, therapy is a great idea and maybe, just maybe your wife can move on with you.
Keep strong and let us know how it goes.
So we had a good talk last night. She expressed alot of frustration about me avoiding conflict in talking about our problems. My challenge now is to be very proactive, talk to her often, follow through on my promises (be a man of my word) and do things differently. I need to initiate change!
talking is good, conflict can bring about change, sometimes we have to fight and argue for what we want, need and believe in. And yes you are the one that has to make the change for the better and keep your word to be true to your family.
My marriage is in trouble. I have lied to and betrayed my wife and family. This is not the first time so rebuilding the trust in this relationship is going to be very difficult. But it is a challenge I need to take on and overcome. There are also lots of things about myself I need to analyze and change, but that is not my primary focus right now. The first thing I need to do is help my wife through the pain I have caused her and hopefully get to a point where both of us are ready to work on our relationship. This is being made more difficult because she does not believe I have told her everything, that I am still lying to her. I've explained that I have been truthful and that I really want to build a good relationship and that can't be done if there are still lies out there. She is really struggling to believe me. I know part of her wants the same thing, but the other part is very cautious and doesn't want to take the risk of being hurt again. It has been very difficult. There are very good times and very bad times. I can't tell if things are progressing or not, all I can do is put myself out there and try to make things right. I guess I'm taking this dare to deepen my commitment to repairing the most important thing in my life.
If you have been unfaithful once you must expect your wife to be even more wary of you and your words. You will have to be super patient and keep answering her questions no matter how sick and tired you are of hearing them.
I wish you luck.
work on yourself first....
I feel like I made some progress yesterday. My mood has been improving but when it is bad, I make an effort to not take it out on anyone. I enjoyed the evening with my boyfriend. There were no fights. I let the small things go for once. We laughed and rejoiced in the fact that he got the job position he has been wanting. Maybe we can head toward a proposal if I can keep this up. It's a small step, but it's a step in the right direction to rebuilding this relationship and starting a marriage.
I know you said you were coming off meds, are you getting any support to do this as I know it can be very hard? Congrats on not letting the little things get to you, these sometimes are the worse things to annoy.
Is there a way we can kind of put on here a way to track if we've done three things to improve our relationship? So that we can track and feel like we are doing something? just curious. Really, the only person we can change is ourselves. My motto that I'm trying to follow is do what's right and makes you happy...if others don't like it they can CHANGE or LEAVE!! =) If you're not ok with those two options then continue to be unhappy. I personally believe that anything can be turned around which is why I continue in this relationship. I can only strive to be happy and make it better...if that's not shared then the other person has two options CHANGE or LEAVE! I deserve to be happy!
No it doesnt seem to want to track your progress on this challenge. I do agree we have to do things for ourselves, but not at the expense of those we love.
I currently harbor resentment toward my boyfriend of three years for not proposing. I feel his "reasons" are more like "excuses" and I feel like I am not good enough. He has given me hints and clues of a proposal for a year now and nothing comes out of it which leads me to believe he is leading me on and I feel like the fool, as childish as that sounds. I even moved in with him on the understanding there would be a proposal. 6 months have passed now. On top of that, I am coming off of anti-depressants and my mood tends to easily get out of control. I don't even know where to begin to get rid of my resentment.
Could you ask him?
my girlfriend keeps insisting that I have to lose weight...that she doesn't love the person she sees when she looks at me...am I wrong to get mad? I thought that when you love someone you love them for them...Its hard because I love her deeply and I have been trying to lose weight but its hard and has been a constant batter for many years...I'm just looking for so suggestions on what I should do...
I believe that your girlfriend is trying to help you get some strength to deal with the weight. If it truly is an issue talk it over with your PCP and see if there is any support for you.
I suspect what she said may have been mis-stated or mis-interpreted. She may love you but not like what she sees because of concern about your health.
Weight loss is hard, it takes real commitment and lifestyle change. There are hundreds of people and places to get help from if YOU really want to make a change. You are never going to change because she thinks you should.
I found motivation in the fact that I wanted my spouse to be attracted to me, I wanted to look nice for her. If you are overweight, there is much more to it than how you look. If your weight condition is far enough out of control, it could be a serious health issue. Try to use your relationship and the fact that she is concerned about your weight to your advantage. Go for walks together, have her help support you in what you eat, etc.
I wish you luck. Feel free to friend me if you want a buddy to help you with your weight loss. I\'m always happy to provide support, ideas and encouragement.
My boyfriend keeps insisting that I lose weight so I know what you mean. It pisses me off everytime I hear it. Yeah, she could be trying to encourage you, but there are a lot nicer ways to go about it. Try asking her to work out with you or go on a diet with you if she is so insistant. I tried this with no avail, but it might work for you.
I just realized that I didn't put my question here...I need to know what I can do or maybe even what I should do because he refuses any more counseling and my heart doesn't want to be here but my head does...so where do I start fixing this is my question.
If he doesn't want counseling then you will have to look at what you want, once you know the answers to that then you can move forward.
To be honest, I still feel like I'm not sure about what I want to do, but I'm trying to be positive and not just take the easy route out. I guess my feelings are kind of split but this dare is definitely a dare for me, a difficult one.
I've been trying to leave this marriage 2 or 3 times now. There have been multiple instances of infidelity on his part. The last one I found out about last September. It was the worst one because he told me that he loved her and it had been going on for a year. He told me that he loved me more and wanted to stay with me, but he continued to have contact with her...the last contact was back in February I think, but he continues to have contact with her 16 yr old daughter.
I'm sharing this because this is what I'm dealing with and I'm scared sort of to take this dare. For two months after he revealed the affair he was extremely verbally abusive (which he admitted to our pastor/counselor) and kept threatening to leave...stupid me was trying to save me marriage, finally I got to the point where I told him I want a divorce and I want nothing from you! It must have been a wake up call because he tried to do everything in his power to convince me to stay. I finally gave in but I feel so damaged and shut-off emotionally and he knows that. He told me the other day that if I didn't start opening up to him that I would end up destroying the marriage. For my kids sake especially and because I don't want anyone else I want to make this work. I was hoping I could find support in this group here. I just feel like I still can't trust him at all even though the affair ended last September.
Support is great, but in the long run you have to ask why he keeps cheating on you? What is at the bottom of it? If it is something he is not happy with in the way you are doing something maybe you can change, but if it is just his nature then you either have to live with it or move on. Believe me your kids would rather be in a happy home than have their mother miserable.
I lost my nephew to testicular cancer last November, he was 19. I miss him so much. The times we had together will forever be cherished. He was such an amazing kid and had a bright future ahead of him. I have so many regrets as I know many people can have after losing someone so early in life and not getting enough time with them. I spent alot of time with him when he was younger, before I had my own children. The past 12 years I have focussed on my family not spending as much time with my nieces and nephews. I wish now that I could have balanced that all out better. I did not go to his ball games or other functions because I was at my kids stuff. You just don't think your time will be cut so short. I want to do something from here on out though, I want to find ways to livestrong. Helping with the foundation that my nephew grew so passionate about during his 20 months of fighting for his life. I am not a real fit person but I have potential! So I will try anyway I can to do something.
I recently got married last 08-08-08. I just found out that my husband has been lying to me about taking prescription drugs for the past 7 months. He also did some Crystal Meth a couple of times and got very paranoid. This is how I found out about the drugs. I was very surprised and hurt after I found out. I believe a good marriage is based on communication, trust, and support. I don't trust him at all. He is an amazing person but brought in a lot of baggage from his childhood. We used to work out together but he has lost his passion. He started to work out again this week. I do see that he is committed to getting better. He started to go to NA meetings and he is also seeing a Psychiatrist. I decided to go to ALanon/Narcanon meetings to help myself. I also told him I would give him 6 months before I decide if I want to get a divorce. I want to make sure that he will be a good father/husband. We don't have any children. I am 36 and he is 29 years old. I also want to make sure I can trust him again.
Any advice out there? Thanks..
I take it that the prescription drugs are now out of control - I guess that at some point he needed them? Crystal Meth is an issue at least IMO.
At least he is going to NA and admits he has an issue, you need to see how things go and understand that he will in all probability fall off the wagon but with support and his willingness can get back on again. Can he avoid the haunts that turned him to drugs?
The decision is yours, but clearly you love him and the drugs are a new thing in his life and I hope that you and he have caught it early enough that he can "easily" stop.
Hugs are coming your way, talk to your support system maybe a counselor for you.
I just found out that my husband cheated on me last Saturday night. This relationship isn't worth building. I can't trust him. I need time by myself...
If he has cheated and has the issues he seems to have then maybe you are right to make the decision to save yourself from further heartache. Please make sure that you have someone to talk to about this and to show their support for you.
My husband had an affair which almost ended with us divorced. We seperated and was just about to file the final papers and we decided to try to make it work. We were married for 5 yrs (together for 25 years). Well, I told him he needs to make sure this is what he wants because I think he may have ended up with the other women but she did what a real relationship, just like breaking up happy homes. Anyway, I think they may still be in contact. I told him he could have any many female "friends" (this is what he always called her) as he wanted, she just couldn't be one of them. I knew they were much more than just friends. Well, I told him that I needed to see his cell phone bill just to make me feel better and rebuild my trust in him. He refuses (this is how I discovered the affair). When I ask why he says Im trying to control him. I think this is a very small thing to ask since Im the one who was hurt so deeply by his actions. I know by him not showing me the bill is an answer to my question. I guess I dont need to see it I already know.
We get along alot better since reuniting but the doubts and bad memories alway resurface and creates tension. I dont know how to deal with this.
Been there done that.......
First off is he with you because he wants to be or is it that she doesnt want him? Next if they are still in contact via the cell phone can you see the calls? If you still doubt him and you want proof, and are prepared to deal with the consequences then you may want to hire a PI to get the proof for you. That creates lots of other questions, but if you need to know then get the proof and either show him the proof to fight for the relationship or it gives you the proof to fight in the divorce.
I am sorry things went wrong for you. For me I asked that she no longer contact him on his cell and he did stop messaging her, however she kept trying and my answer was either you tell her to stop or I will. Apparently he told her and life is getting back to normal, is it hard, Yes. Do I still feel the pain, yes. BUT we are both trying to work things out and you can to, if its what you both want.
Keep talking and come to us for support
Is the cell phone only in his name? Do you have a cell phone? Do you get one bill or two. If one, then you don't need his "permission". Call the company and ask for a copy. Do you get paper bills? If so, make it to the mail box before he does.
You would be surprised how guys feel about us looking through their stuff even with their permission. They feel like they lose their male Alphaness when they have to explain, even if they are in the wrong.
Good Luck. You would find out more if you were asking him to give you the proof.
Also, if you decided to fight for the relationship you eventually have to let go of the affair b/c it can't control your relationship, not if it is ever going to be healthy again.
Im THERE!
Here is some suggestions - For your own piece of mind you can go online and pull up phone records for that phone number. It really doesn't require much - depending on what phone company your going through just log onto that web page. Obviously if he does this online - he'll have a password - and you may not be able to get into it unless you know it.
He may be in contact with her by phone - do you know he's not "seeing her?" I attached a GPS Tracker to my husbands truck - AMAZING little device. Sounds obsessive, but in my case I really wanted to believe him! After 20 years I really didn't want to think my best friend could do this to me. Low and behold thanks to the GPS Tracker I found many occasions when he was somewhere he said he wasn't. I'll tell you it sucks knowing the truth in so many ways - but made me realize I wasn't a crazy obsessive (his words) - he was just making me feel that way cus he was guilty and didn't want to be caught!
Good Luck!
Is he still seeing her or someone else? Maybe the question is, does he view sex as recreation? If not, it could be over. If yes, he may like the risk of getting caught more than respecting you.
been with my boyfriend since we were 14....i am now 21, i cheated....but only to rebel...i know the consquences of my action, it wasnt worth it, and now im miserable, i love him more than anything and will do anything to get him back, he is my best friend, ive only "been" with him and the "other person". He is my life...now he says he doesnt have any more feelings for me....any help?
seven years with one person can be very difficult, you both mature and often change. Does his "no feelings for you" come from you seeing someone else or has he genuinely grown away from you? Sit down with him and ask some tough questions, and be patient and honest with the answers, once you have these you might have stronger ground on which to move forward.
Let us know how we can help.
I have been married for ten years. during that time alot of me has changed by both my parents dieing, wehn i lost them i believe mind locked up on feelings and therfore i walked around with blinders on. the past five of those years i have been very codependent on my wife. meaning when she is angry, i'm angry when she is happy, i'm happy.
3 weeks ago she asked for a seperation (we are currently sleeping in seperate bedrooms), we have two children 10 and 5 yrs old.
she has always told me the past two years (i need to change) I did not understand what that had meant.
2 days after our seperation, i really realized what she meant by telling me that. I realized saw what i have been doing to her and our childeren I really understand where i went wrong with all the things i have done to my wife with my words. I just didn't understand what this meant before.
She says she fell out of love with me. I love her more than ever. I am working on changing my character defects. The changes in me in the past 3 weeks have already made positive changes on my children. i'm hopeful we can work this out. She says she has forgiven me but can't forget. Can our marriage be saved before a divorce? I just don't know. I am determined to work on me and correct my character to be a better person and loving husband.
I have thanked her for the seperation, because it really has opened my mind up and i'm happy we haven't even argued about anything in 4 weeks. I'm just taking it one day at a time and setting small goals each day.
does anyone have any positive suggestions or similar experiences.
First off the threat of the separation really seemed to wake you up and change, make sure that change is permanent.
As for your wife, give her time and space let her realize that she still loves you its hard but it can be done. Also consider some counseling both together and apart to talk through the issues it often helps to hear someone else talk and for you both to feel free to say your thoughts without repercussions.
Good luck to you both.
May 26th My wife realizes i have changed for the better, I now know she is second guessing the threat of divorce. AS i continue to work on my core hurts and pay attention to my wife's feelings. So far the Baby steps are working.
June 10th taking one day at a time. I'm a much better person and ask god everyday for the strength and courage to change for the better. We made love for the first time in months, how great if feels to receive your partners love.
Everyone is living a better life today.
It's not the falling out of love...it's falling out of commitment. You have to re-commit to each other. you have to be a rock for her to lean on so that she can be a rock for the household and children. You must be a knight and treat her like a queen. tell her every time you get a chance how sexy, beautiful, hot, sweet, smart, wonderful and on and on she is. My husband and I were lying in bed last night and he took my face in his hands and said, "you look so beautiful right now" well guess what happened after that....ya well. We women feel ugly after having kids, then you have to remember that the house is our work...and having a kid knock on the door while your trying to have sex sucks! Sometimes getting away from the house is the best thing you can do for a woman. It's like getting away from your job. you have to start first thing in the morning with women. start the day off with making her coffee and toast and write her a love note telling her how beautiful she is. keep telling her every time you see her complement her. We women need that constantly. non of this, "well I told you last christmas you are pretty" I need it all the time.
Hi Randall
I have been through something very similar. We were seperated and living apart. We have two girls 10 and 12. It has been rough on everyone. You may find it difficult to be consistent. Falling back to old habits is easy to do. Make sure you keep talking and working on the things you need to change. Sharpen those skills until the behaviors you want are your new habits.
I can relate to the codependency as well. My wife has a chronic illness and when she is now feeling well, it affects me as well. I\'m learning to have it affect me differently now.
I commend you for your efforts and hope you find happiness in your new found change.
By matthere1 on June 27, 2009 at 08:28 AM
We have 10 month old twins. My goal is to go on a date with my wife once every other week.