Bitch About It, Joke About It, But Never Be Too Serious Group

by wcdunning on Jul 13, 2008 at 12:16 pm

My wife went through a similar thing when I lost weight some years back (before we had kids). All it takes is time and a lot of reassurance from you that you love him and find him attractive. I had to use subtle expressions of these feelings and once just sat down and had a long talk with her. And the thing was, she was actually losing weight with me, just not as much. But I still expect your S.O. will respond similarly.

by AnyadelaRose on Jul 13, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Mine will do that sometimes about things as simple as me getting a hair cut or being slightly more dressed up than he is. I think it's a normal thing to an extent and nothing that you're doing. Little insecurities can be triggered by seeing the person they rely on attracting more attention than them, and I think we all worry about our SO's leaving us to "trade up". Anyway, I agree with WC, it might be time to just have a serious talk. Losing weight to feel better about yourself doesn't mean you're boyfriend shopping.

by lifecoachlaurie on Jul 13, 2008 at 2:44 pm

hi Lose More,

LifeCoachLaurie here. first, thanks for being so willing to share your story with us and ask for help; that's the only way to keep getting that forward movement you seek in your continual weight loss. by the way, you look fabulous!

i would challenge you to ask your honey some very challenging questions and i would do so by asking him to "clear his schedule" as will you for a little "love talk." settle on a date together and time together and set aside only 20 minutes (this prevents you from getting in a heated argument or if it does turn into an argument, you both know you've only cleared 20 minutes for this "love talk). once you "meet" set the timer. since you've called this love talk, it is YOUR meeting which means he has to follow YOUR agenda.

i then suggest you tell him upfront there will be some guidelines to this love talk which will be open, honest, clear communication in a loving, supportive way (no name-calling, authentic listening and possibly vulnerable disclosing). this should be set-up upfront so that both know what you all are walking into.

then start off the love talk in a kind, compassionate way by stating something along the lines of, "honey, i love you and i am excited we are here today to discuss some important issues to me. thanks for doing this with me, it means alot." he is then disarmed and willing to listen because you complimented him and thanked him. start to explain how important your weight loss is, what it means to you, and what it has brought you (more joy, fun, excitement, more romance, whatever it has brough you) and that you wish to share in this excitement. then state his support means all the world and i want your continued support. be direct and say with using "i" statements that:

i've had my feelings hurt when i've perceived you are not supportive

i will continue to lose weight
i love myself this way
i appreciate your help

i would then ask some pretty daring and risky questions that will put him on the spot like:

what about my weight loss is threatening to you?
what about my weight loss feels uncomfortable?
how can i make this transition easier for you?
how can i support you?
what makes you feel i love you less just because there is less of me?!!!

realize Lose More this is his stuff; don't let him get in your way. stay detached from his outcome and committed to yours! don't take it personally; he is taking it personally and that is his stuff!

to your extreme dream,

LifeCoachLaurie

by losemore on Jul 13, 2008 at 7:26 pm

Thank you everyone. Unfortunately it happened already. We opted for a break. I've never taken a break from a relationship so I just dont know what to expect. I know it isnt just about my weight loss and my growing - more lies within and it may just be that we aren't for each other. the point I think is that I am so OUT THERE and want to hang out with people, have fun, etc. I'm a social butterfly in all meaning of the phrase. He would rather not even though he says he is a social person. many people find it hard to carry conversation with him. we have drifted adn while it may be partially due to my being more comfortable with myself and gettin gout more and simpy just wanting to do more with my life... we have drifted period. I dont know what is going to happen. But thanks for being here you guys. I love taht TDP isnt just about food talk.

Amand a"AJ"

by wcdunning on Jul 13, 2008 at 9:27 pm

Sorry to hear about "the break." Hopefully it all works out for the best, whichever way that is.

by jonahgavinmom on Jul 15, 2008 at 7:43 am

Just Curious, Have you Ever read "He's just not that into you?" or by the same author, "Its called a break up because it's broken" by Greg Behendt. Iam a big self-help book freak, and both of those, are very eye opening, especially to what you are going through. If you guys have been dating for 3 years, and have not got married yet (not that you have to, Im just saying lol) that maybe it wasn't meant to be?
Good Luck!