ci4741

I am the most miserable fat person in the world. I finally broke the 200 lb. mark last Friday, ON A DIET. I know some freaky is happening with my body, I had signs of insulin resistance at 19 yo at 110 lbs. Weight has nothing to do with it and these fucking doctor's Will not be happy until I develop an eating disorder. I already spend most of the day thinking of what I ate, how not to eat, what I eat. I hate food!!! I am desperate and fighting my own body, who really wins if one destroys the other.

Update: August 2008

Ok, I am not as much of a heffer as I used to be. However, I am still a fat ass. I have lost 35 lbs. over the last year but am soooo far from my goal it is not even funny. I still have another 40 lbs to go but I am not going to lose.Food is just an obstacle and if I can learn to control what it does to my body I will be free.

Update: 02/04/2010

I feel... guilty. I am living with the greatest guy in the world and I am hiding secrets from him. I have every intention of getting back on my diet but he doesn't like my tactics. I know he watches what I do because he loves me but y doesn't he understand I need to do this for me? I don't want to be a fat bloated heffer the rest of my life. And although he tells me I am perfect I know I'm far from it! Just 30 more pounds and I could be close....I wish he would understand. Now I'm gonna have to hide again so my diary will be my only confidant. Plus I need to get some control back in my life. After my seperation and the mess that happened when my shrink put me on antidepressants I need to get my life back in order!

Update 06/12/2010

I am 3 months pregnant. I thought I would be happy but a recent turn of events brought my preoccupation with counting back again. I know it's not good but this is the only way I have to cope. I hope he understands. And if he moves out it will be even easier to count without him watching.


HW:203
LW:96(at 20)
CW:155 as of 12/30/2008
CW:147 as of 11/04/2009
CW:Still 147 as of 02/04/2010 UGH!!!
GW:110