Controlling parents are usually afraid that their children or teens will no longer need them, according to Kansas State University Counseling Services. They make decisions for their children that their children are capable of making, thus taking away their children's power. When children of controlling parents become adults, they have trouble making decisions on their own, and they tend to keep relying on their parents. They may also feel bad when they make independent decisions. This dynamic can affect an adult's ability to form interdependent, healthy romantic relationships.
Step 1
Understand the reasons that your parents are trying to control your life. Ask them questions about it. For instance, a teen might ask her mom why she insists on picking out her clothes for school when she's capable of doing it herself. Ask your parents if they're afraid that you won't need them.
Step 2
Reassure your parents that you'll always need them, because they are your parents. Even when children and teens grow up, it's desirable to have healthy relationships with their parents. Let them know that you would like them to always be a part of your life.
Step 3
Talk to them calmly and rationally without yelling or screaming about the things in your life that you would like to have control over. For example, a teen might want to be able to buy his own clothes, decide what he's going to have for lunch and get a part-time job to pay for things, such as video games. Tell your parents that you need to learn how to do these things for yourself to become an independent adult. Let them know that you'll ask for their help when you need it.
Step 4
Ask for their opinions even after they start to give you more space, so they continue to feel included. For example, ask your dad to read over your college application essays and to give you some feedback. Even if you don't use his feedback, he'll feel like he was able to help.
Step 5
Involve a mental health professional if your parents continue to control decisions that you would like to make. Ask your parents to go with you to family counseling to discuss issues happening at home. If your parents don't think they need family counseling, ask them if you could see a therapist on your own. This action will help you, because you'll be able to talk to an objective person about the situation, and the therapist might be better able to engage your parents.
Tips and Warnings
- When you're talking to your parents about their controlling behavior, try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You always control everything," say, "I feel like I don't have any control over my life." If you use "I" statements, your parents will be less defensive when you talk to them.
