It isn't always easy to judge if the possessive behavior your partner displays in your relationship is unhealthy. It is normal to want a partner who is devoted to you; you may find a little possessiveness flattering. However, possessive behavior becomes dangerous when it begins to dominate your relationship. In their collaborative article "Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships" written for Helpguide.org, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. state, "Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power." For this reason, it is important that you familiarize yourself with those behaviors that cross the line. Recognizing the warning signs can help you avoid partners who are at risk for becoming abusive.
Jealousy
A possessive partner is irrationally jealous. In his article "Signs To Look For in an Abusive Personality", written for the Knoxville Police Department's Domestic Violence Unit, former FBI Supervisory Special Agent Alan C. Brantley warns that an abusive partner will "question the other person about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of the time she spends with her family or friends." Other jealous behaviors might include excessive phone calls to check in on you, demands to know who you're with and what you're doing at all times and unexpectedly dropping in on you. Brantley also warns that extreme jealousy could provoke your partner to begin spying on you.
Accusations
A possessive partner will often make unfounded accusations. The Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance states that a possessive partner will "Accuse you of flirting or "coming on" to others or accuse you of cheating on them." She will also "Tell you how to dress or act", becoming angry with you if you refuse to comply. Attempts to reason with a possessive partner are frequently unsuccessful. Driven by a need for control, a possessive partner is determined to have her way in all things. Your thoughts, opinions and feelings do not matter unless they are in line with what she wants too.
Outbursts
Outbursts of anger are also a sign of a possessive partner. "If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner---constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up---chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive," says Smith and Segal. Other behaviors associated with explosive outbursts include name calling, degrading comments, threats of violence or acting out and intimidation. This behavior is an attempt to bully and control you. Even if your partner doesn't physically assault you, his goal is to make you fear him.
Hypersensitivity
A possessive partner is unable to tolerate any form of criticism. Brantley cautions, "Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset." Furthermore, hypersensitivity interferes with a person's ability to discuss relationship issues calmly and objectively. Brantley warns that "Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem." Instead a possessive partner will try to shift the blame onto other people, including you.
