Conflict within relationships in inevitable. In close relationships, a certain amount of relationship conflict can even be healthy, according to researcher John Gottman, because conflict can provide couples with the opportunity to resolve underlying differences and achieve greater intimacy. To be successful, however, conflict must be well managed, which requires the acquisition of certain social skills.
Origins
Conflict in intimate relationships can arise from many different origins--gender, family background, personality types, life cycle events or faith, for example. Gender differences are innate and are therefore difficult or impossible to avoid. Life cycle events such as menopause, loss of sexual attractiveness or mid-life crisis are difficult if not impossible to avoid. Differences in faith, personality and family background can be to some extent avoided by choosing a compatible partner to begin with.
Common Ground
The closer the relationship, the more likely it is that the parties have common ground which, if utilized, can facilitate resolution. The parties may often have overlapping interests, such as a mutual circle of friends or business associates, and may have an emotional relationship between them that is more important than the issue that sparked the conflict. The parties may also be interdependent, meaning that no party can impose his will upon the other without paying an unacceptably high price for doing so. Finally, the parties likely agree on at least a few issues raised by the conflict, which can serve as the starting point for a negotiated solution.
Types of Conflict Resolution
Common strategies of conflict resolution include avoidance/denial, surrender, anger/recriminations, competition, manipulation and creative integration. Of these, only the latter is a healthy conflict resolution strategy, because it transcends selfishness and seeks a negotiated resolution that takes into account the needs of both parties and is acceptable to both.
Unhealthy Tendencies
It may not be easy for you to categorize your conflict resolution strategy, but an understanding of some unhealthy tendencies can alert you if you're on the wrong track. Unhealthy conflict resolution strategies typically focus on what is acceptable to "me" rather than "us." Unhealthy conflict resolution strategies are also characterized by contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, according to Gottman.
Healthy Resolution
Healthy conflict resolution tends to fall into one of three categories--win-win, no lose, and win-lose equally, according to clinical psychologist Larry Alan Nadig. "Win-win" means that a creative solution is crafted that allows each party to get what they wanted; "no lose means" means that each party compromises to reach an acceptable but less than optimal solution and "win-lose equally" means that one party gives in on a particular occasion with the understanding that the other party will give in next time. In all cases, the preservation and enhancement of trust respect and intimacy in the relationship is valued more than the specific issue that sparks the conflict.
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