According to Dr. Steven Stosny, author of "Love Without Hurt," verbal and physical abusers are masters in hiding their true self in the dating phase. Once you notice the obvious signs of abuse, you are already deeply attached, making it much harder to leave. But while there may not be obvious signs that your prospective lover is an abuser, there are early warning signs to look out for, he says.
Early Warning Signs
If your lover is resenting, belittling or blaming others, this can be an early warning sign that you are dating an abuser, says Dr. Stosny. It may make you feel good if you lover says, "You're so smart and caring, not like the bitch I used to date." But it's a sign that he suffers from victim identity. Feeling victimized, he will seek retaliation.
Another warning sign of verbal abuse is a sense of superiority. Potential abusers have "hierarchical self-esteem," reports Dr. Stosny. They need to feel better than others to feel good about themselves. Their distorted minds tell them that they deserve special treatment and have special rights. Other early warning signs to look out for include sarcasm, deceit and a lack of respect of personal boundaries.
Later Warning Signs
If your partner physically hurts you or your property on purpose, you are in a physically abusive relationship. Verbal abuse can be harder to detect. Verbal abuse is "a lie told to you or about you," says Patricia Evans, an interpersonal communications specialist and the author of five books on verbal abuse. Belittling, blaming, interrogating, ignoring, hurtful joking, lying, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging are examples of verbally abusive behavior. While everyone can make a mistake, repeated occurrences of this kind of behavior are a clear sign that you are in a verbally abusive relationship.
Psychological Symptoms
The most telling psychological sign that you are in an abusive relationship is fear of your partner and a lack of a sense of self. If you avoid certain topics out of fear of making your partner angry, this is a red flag. A feeling that you can't do anything right, beliefs that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated and difficulties figuring out which one of you is causing trouble are other signs.
The psychological signs of abuse can be even more subtle. Emotionally numbness and helplessness, emotional pain, anxiety, depression and avoidance of social interaction accompanied by a feeling of discomfort in the presence of the partner can be a symptom of verbal or emotional abuse.
References
- Psychology Today: Are You Dating an Abuser?
- “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond;” 2nd edition; Patricia Evans; 2003
- "Domestic violence: a handbook for health professionals"; Lyn Shipway; 2004
- Help Guide: Domestic Violence and Abuse
- “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out"; Patricia Evans; 1993
Member Comments
BtBGlobal March 22
I experienced every characteristic in this article with my abusive, extremely jealous ex fiance. He wanted to get married within 6 months of dating. I am embarrasse to say that I actually believed he was my true love. I know now that he was not. I healed and cannot believe I even considered marriage and having children with him. I am so glad that I postponed the wedding. Yes these men do put themselves on a pedestal and put down everyone else to make themselves look good. My ex even wanted to attack my ten year old daughter. I lost the love and respect for him in no time. I am on the right track wih an amazing man who is everything good.