Infidelity causes pain and, in some cases, divorce. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, polls indicate that 90 percent of Americans do not approve of extramarital relationships, but 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands have extramarital intercourse. Fortunately, it is possible to restore your marriage after infidelity--if both partners commit to salvaging the relationship and work hard towards doing so.
Take the Initial Steps
Step 1
Give each other space, advises the Mayo Clinic. Discovering infidelity creates a trauma that shatters positive illusions, according to the Truth About Deception website. Taking an emotional break will help to lessen the intensity of your emotions, allowing you to recover from the initial shock of discovery so you may better approach the subject of marital repair.
Step 2
Seek support. Friends, family, spiritual leaders and counselors can all support you through the pain of discovering infidelity. Though tempting, friends and family who will side with you may not be the best source of support. Instead the Mayo Clinic recommends seeking "objective, nonjudgmental support" to give an objective opinion and put infidelity in perspective. Due to the objective nature of a third party, a marriage counselor may offer the best support in cases of infidelity.
Step 3
Take responsibility. "If you were unfaithful, take responsibility for your actions," advises the Mayo Clinic. You need to stop the affair and all interaction and communication with the person. You must realize that you have caused significant pain to your spouse and that rebuilding trust will not come easily.
Decide to Save Your Marriage
Step 1
Make a commitment. Once you and your spouse have come to terms with the reality of the situation, you both need to decide how you want to resolve the problem. It takes two people trying hard to make the relationship work.
The Truth About Deception website also suggest creating a post-nuptial agreement, which provides financial compensation in the case of divorce resulting from spousal infidelity. However, you must understand that a commitment in writing may not prove as effective as a truly heartfelt commitment out of writing.
Step 2
Practice honesty, advises the Mayo Clinic. Talking about the affair may prove difficult. However, open and honest communication will help both you and your spouse to recover from infidelity. You must admit what happened and face the situation realistically to move past it. Though you may want to put the affair behind you as quickly as possible, you must realize and respect the fact that infidelity takes different amounts of time to heal for different people.
Step 3
Get counseling. Going to counseling together can help the healing, while reaffirming your commitment to marriage and preventing secrecy from destroying your relationship further. According to the Truth About Deception website, spouses need to discuss the details of what happened, explore the reason behind the infidelity and brainstorm ways to fix the underlying issues. Counseling will help the unfaithful party with this step and ensure that communication remains constructive.
Step 4
Engage in trust-enhancing behaviors. Psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, in an article for Psychology Today, suggests that spouses "make a list of the trust-enhancing behaviors that will help them heal." This may include giving each other access to personal e-mails or quitting a job or hobby that puts the cheater in contact with the lover.
Step 5
Forgive. According to the Mayo Clinic, forgiveness may not come easily or quickly. Infidelity hurts, and it may take time to reach a point where true forgiveness can occur. However, with time, hard work and commitment, you may be able to forgive or be forgiven.
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