Finding closure after your relationship has ended requires you to cope with the feelings of sadness and loss that you may be experiencing. The end of a relationship can be painful for both partners, but if you didn’t initiate the breakup, you’re going to endure more suffering. Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach, Susan J. Elliott says that encountering a breakup necessitates a grieving period. She says, “Pain after a breakup is normal and natural...even searing pain and abject misery is normal and natural.pacing the floors, not being able to sleep, having anxiety attacks...difficulty concentrating...these are normal and natural grief reactions...”
Step 1
Grieve the loss of your relationship. Allow yourself to feel the pain of all that you have lost in the breakup. Don’t try to avoid the hurt by distracting yourself from the reality because you can’t heal and move on until you’ve grieved.
You have invested your time and emotional energy establishing a deep connection with a man, so permit yourself to mourn the profound loss of all of the love, friendship, concern and efforts you have given to him, says Lisa Coffey, author of the book “CLOSURE and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings.”
Step 2
Refrain from contact. Don’t fool yourself into believing that if only you could call her or see her again, you could work out the problems. Recognize that if she feels the way you do, she would contact with you.
Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach, Susan J. Elliott, says that recovering from the grief is a difficult process and one that takes patience. Contacting your ex, she says, may temporarily alleviate the pain, but really, it’s just postponing the inevitable.
Step 3
Spend time alone. Take time to reflect on the relationship—the positive and the negative aspects. Be honest with yourself; don’t solely focus on the affirmative components of the relationship because you still miss and love him. Wait to get involved in another relationship. As tempting as it may be, don’t try to substitute your loss with a new relationship, says Elliott, because “when that ends, you might have two relationships, instead of one, to get over.”
Step 4
Alter your perspective to include a positive outcome. Consider the probability that the end of the relationship may be beneficial in how you spend your life in the future. Think about all that you’ve learned through the painful process. Recognize that the agony will abate as you move on and look forward to what’s ahead in your life.
Coffey explains that the end of a relationship can signal the beginning of a “transformation”. She says that you could consider your suffering as “growing pains” by which you could view as an “opportunity for continued growth, and for personal transformation.”
Tips and Warnings
- Susan Elliott suggests: "Don't mistake grief for love. It's normal and natural to grieve any loss...even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don't let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is ‘review and relinquishment’ where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the ex on your mind constantly. It's a 'working through' and it doesn't mean you're not going to get over it, or that you still love the ex. It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it."
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