Maybe it's the neighborhood gal pal you've known since second grade. Maybe it's the coworker whose stories really crack you up. Maybe it's the buddy who always lends you his shoulder to cry on when you've had a rotten day. Just when you thought this friendship would never change, you realize one day that your heart is trying to tell you you're in love. The challenge is to decide how--or if--you should act on this unexpected discovery.
Observations
Evaluate the verbal clues you've been receiving from your friend lately. Just because you've only recently come to the conclusion that you're attracted to her doesn't mean she hasn't been trying to tell you all this time and wondering why you're so slow to pick up on it. A casual phrase such as "I can't wait to get together" has completely different meaning coming from a potential love interest than a platonic buddy. Review her nonverbal communications as well. If her eye contact is deeper, her hugs last longer and she sits closer when you watch movies, it's not because she's indifferent to you.
Investigations
Ask those who know your friend pretty well whether they think he's interested in you as more than just a buddy. If you've been acquainted for a long time, you probably know who his closest confidantes are. Maybe you even know his family. As "Dating For Dummies" author Joy Browne points out, most people want to minimize the risk of rejection and embarrassment. To do that, they revert to the high school mindset of getting a go-between to find out where they stand. If the chemistry isn't mutual, they'll tell you. If it is, they may even make your next move easier by tipping him off you were asking.
Risks
Make a list of all the things you currently enjoy about the friendship. Consider how these activities will be affected if you transition to a dating relationship. At present, for instance, maybe you enjoy hanging out with other friends. Issues such as jealousy have never surfaced because the two of you were never perceived as a couple. According to Dr. John Gray, author of "Mars and Venus on a Date," the five transitional stages of moving toward a deeper bond are attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. Exclusivity is often the most challenging hurdle in the friendship-to-lover equation because it imposes a different set of rules and expectations. If the new dynamic doesn't work out, you need to ask yourself whether the friendship can return to what it was.
Opportune Moments
Decide whether you want to make your first move in person, on the phone or by email. If you're unsure of the outcome, the last thing you want to do is put your friend on the spot. Author Alan Loy McGinnis--"The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For"--discourages any behavior that makes another person feel uncomfortable, rushed or forced to give a response just to be polite. Keep the invitation light, breezy and consistent with the nature of the friendship. If you ask in person, do it privately and in an environment where there aren't a lot of distractions. Give her the option to get back to you after checking her calendar. If she says yes and you do go out, play your first date by ear and just enjoy yourselves. Allow time and patience to let her get to see you in this new light.
Moving On
Accept rejection gracefully. Although that's often easier said than done after you've handed someone your heart, there's nothing to be gained by arguing, whining or suddenly turning a cold shoulder. There could be circumstances of timing, finances or worries you're not aware of and that have nothing to do with you personally. By being the good friend you've always been, you're showing that you trust his judgment and respect his feelings.
References
- "Dating For Dummies"; Joy Browne; 2006
- "The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For"; Alan Loy McGinnis; 2004
- "Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship"; John Gray; 1999
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