Establishing boundaries for children is key, both for their individual development and to help avoid chaos and discord within the family. Setting boundaries means establishing rules of behavior and limits about subjects ranging from computer and TV time to curfews and schoolwork. While many kids grumble at rules or restrictions they see as unfair, research published in the Feb. 10, 2010 issue of "USA Today" shows that raising kids with boundaries results in kids who are more successful in school and more mentally healthy than those with fewer boundaries.
Kids Need Rules
Many parents who set down specific bedtimes, curfews and other rules hear protests from their children, but what the rules are really saying to the kids is that "We love you so much, we want you to be safe and healthy." Kids may not always agree, but having boundaries and parents who care provides a sense of security in their lives. Parents who don't want to come across as too strict or who don't want to alienate their children in any way are doing their children a disservice. Children need to know that someone is in charge and that there is some structure in their lives.
What to Avoid
While establishing boundaries with children, be careful not to tell them how they should feel about a particular subject. Kids need to learn to get in touch with their own feelings and trust that their feelings and thoughts have value. Also, encourage children to do things for themselves, such as clean their rooms, order their own food at a restaurant, decide the order in which they'll do their homework, and just speak up for themselves about subjects they consider important. If the boundaries you set around your kids don't encourage this kind of independent thinking and action, they'll grow up lacking confidence in their abilities and ideas.
Consistency is Key
Once you've established boundaries, the key to making them stick is consistency. If consequences for certain behaviors vary greatly, or if exceptions are frequently made for various rules, kids become confused. The order in their world becomes less concrete. In addition, if children know they can get away with certain behaviors at times, they will push the boundaries, arguing that they didn't get in trouble the last time they did something wrong. As children grow, rules can be modified to accompany the changes in their lives. For example, bedtimes can be adjusted as kids get older.
Interpersonal Relationships
Boundaries for children don't just refer to parents' rules about chores, homework, bedtime and video games. There should be expectations about what's acceptable when it comes to how kids act with their parents, as well as their siblings and other relatives. If, early on, you establish boundaries such as no name-calling, hitting or yelling among siblings, your kids will grow up having to work out their differences more peacefully. Children also need to know what is acceptable when it comes to interacting with parents. If you speak to your kids in a civil manner and demand the same in return, your home will be a more peaceful place, and your kids will learn a valuable skill that will help them throughout their lives.
