How to Set Guidelines for Teen Dating

Video Transcript

DR. F. FELICIA FERRARA: Hi, I'm Dr. Felicia. I am the parent coach, and I've been working with families and children and teens for over 25 years. One of the most perplexing questions we have asked of us is how to set guidelines for teen dating. This is a tough one. I think every parent fears this, when you have to send your child off in the care of another adolescent. It's very, very anxious provoking for the parents. One of the things you want to do is start with your value system early. Usually when you start with a child, it depends on the child's maturity as well as the family values. For instance, there are some parents that would be very, I might say, old fashioned and not want their child to date until 21. I guess that's typical for most dads, right? But there are also parents who are too promiscuous and allow their child to be dating at 12 and 13 which, let's face it, the attraction is there between the mutual sexes, but the problem is they don't know how to set boundaries. So your job as a parent is to set the value system, set the boundary setting as to what you would expect them to behave or how you would expect them to behave and boundaries for what they should expect from others. And the more that you allow a child to see either domestic violence in your house or mistreatment of you, your child will follow that example. So in other words, if a child is used to seeing a lot of anger and violent arguments between you and your partner then by all means the child is going to take that as natural behavior and allow that within their own intimate relationship. We really don't want that. So the best thing you can do is role model a positive, affectionate relationship. The teen years are the years when a child needs to experiment in order to form the solid, intimate adult relationships, so you can't take that experience away from them and then expect them at 21 to make the right decisions. Most of us have to send our kids off to college at 18. So by 18, they should pretty much know yeah or nay for which way they want to behave. If your child is younger than that and you're concerned for them, you would definitely consult a professional counselor to get some inside tips on how to handle an individual hard case. But, please, set the values early, set the boundaries for expected behaviors and try role-playing a couple of scenarios that might help your child build confidence on how to act when they're on the outside. Again, probably letting your child go out on a date is one of the most fearful things a parent has to experience but we all do live through it. So I do wish you good luck and fortify yourself with solid values and ongoing dialogue with your child. So best of luck to you. I'll see you later.