Sexual Abuse and Incest
The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse on an Adult Survivor
Source: Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Inc.
Any sexual contact between a child and a trusted individual that damages the child, whether covert or overt, whether flirtation or sexual intercourse, needs to be dealt with assertively. It scars virtually all facets of the victim's life, since she is left with little or no self-esteem.
At least one out of five boys and one out of four girls will be abused before they reach the age of 18. The child’s emotional growth will be stifled at the age of the first attack, and the victim will probably not begin to recover until adulthood, if ever.
Boys as well as girls can be victims of sexual abuse. Anyone can be an abuser, especially if he is perceived by the child to be someone in authority, including a brother, uncle, friend of the family, aunt or teacher -- the list is endless. However, for the sake of clarity, we will refer to the victim as a girl and the abuser as her father.
Some of the social maladjustments arising from incest are alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution and promiscuity. Eating or sleeping disorders, migraines and back or stomach pains are just a few of the physical consequences that a victim may suffer. Food, sex, alcohol and/or drugs deaden painful memories of the abuse and expel reality temporarily. If a victim perceives obesity to be unattractive, and if she believes she was abused because she was pretty, she may overeat in a misguided attempt to defend herself from further sexual assault. "I felt like throwing up" is a common response among victims, and bulimia is a way of acting out that feeling. Anorexia is another form of self-punishment, eventually leading to the ultimate self-victimization, suicide.
Many emotional problems can emerge from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias and avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding. The denial system that insured the victim's survival as a child now prevents her from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood. She doesn't trust her own perceptions; she was forced to become an expert in disbelieving her own senses. She tries to convince herself that she overreacted--that nothing really terrible happened: "My daddy would never REALLY hurt me." When reality is too painful for a child s mind, she learns to fictionalize. It is extremely painful to give up a fantasy family, since children see themselves either in reflected glory or disgraced shadows. Therefore, the victim makes excuses for the abuser: "He was drunk at the time. He had it rough as a child." She takes responsibility for the assaults: "I was too pretty, too sexy." Her father probably reinforced her own nagging guilt and questions she had concerning her own innocence. Essentially, the victim defends her father by minimizing, rationalizing and taking the blame on herself. If she continues to use these coping mechanisms as an adult, she is set up to be abused in her current relationships. In Survivors of Incest Anonymous, she can learn to accept the fact that she was abused rather than loved by her father. She can then learn to seek out only healthy, loving relationships. She has been accustomed to accepting only crumbs, believing that she does not deserve anything better.
The victim may have parenting problems and be always second-guessing her decisions, which is another result of distrusting her own perceptions. A victim may avoid parenting altogether, try to be a perfect parent or repeat the abuse. The worst possible consequence is when a victim perpetuates the abuse onto the next generation.
Another repercussion of incest is that victims often regard authority figures with anxiety. Passivity is comfortable because it is familiar, and she may accept familiar misery rather than risk unfamiliar change. An experiment was conducted in which dogs were forced to endure painful electric shocks without any means of escape. A second group of dogs were compelled to endure shocks and quickly escaped when it was possible. When the first group was shocked again, with escape now possible, they did not leave. They had been conditioned to endure pain. This experiment suggests why so many victims are sexually abused as adults by therapists, counselors, doctors or bosses. Victims are accustomed to losing battles and feeling powerless. Victims do not believe they can win. Assertion is a difficult concept for an incest victim.
The victim's inability to trust affects her feelings about members of the opposite sex. Women who have been abused by men will often say, "I don't trust any men; they only want sex." Often, boys who are abused by more than one male feel compelled to believe they MUST BE homosexual. The assaults have been emotionally or physically pleasurable to the victim, and this fact reinforces the suspicion that he himself must be made a homosexual: "Both my uncle and a male teacher were attracted to me, and since it felt good to me, I liked it, so I must be gay." In defense of the abuser, he may say, "I am the one who is gay and my abuser sensed it, that's all."
Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my father ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation, this woman is likely to become promiscuous. She needs to know that a promiscuous child is often the result, but never the cause, of incest. She believes that if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love.
When the abuse is physically violent, maybe even painful, she may confuse sex with control and power. A typical comment might be, "When I have sex with someone, I feel like he is controlling my body. I feel that as I respond to him, he is manipulating me, and I am a puppet all over again." This woman may shut off all sexual feelings and retreat from all sexual contact; she fears that no one would validate her.
Changing self-destructive patterns is a slow process, but in SIA she can learn that it is possible. It takes tremendous strength for a victim to put herself in a position to feel this pain. The victim needs incredible courage and reliable professional help. Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step recovery program, is an available resource for the adult survivor. A statement read at the end of each SIA meeting reminds us: "The pain is temporary; denial and its consequences are forever." When the victim tires of the consequences and becomes willing to work diligently on the incest issue, she is then on the way to living her life as a survivor rather than a victim.
Recommended Reading
May 23, 2002 -- I just read this book, and it is the best book I have ever found on this topic.
Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse: Practical Self-help
for Adults Who Were Sexually Abused as Children
The Wounded Heart
By Dan Allender
An intensely personal and specific look at the most "soul-deadening" form of abuse, sexual abuse. It is personal because the issue may be affecting you, your spouse, a close friend or neighbor or someone you know well at church. And it is specific because it goes well beyond the general issues and solutions discussed in other books.
I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Ellen Bass, Louise Thornton
A reissue of the now-classic anthology (with more than 60,000 copies sold) of deeply moving testimonies by survivors of child sexual abuse--with a new afterword by Ellen Bass, co-author of The Courage to Heal.
When Rabbit Howls
by Truddi Chase
To escape the horror of violent abuse, the 2-year-old child "went to sleep" and created the inner world of the “Troops”--the 92 voices that shielded her from pain, but that she didn't know existed until adulthood. This is a journey through the fragmented world of the multiple personality (DID)--told by the Troop.
The Courage to Heal Workbook For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Laura Davis
In this groundbreaking companion volume to The Courage to Heal, Laura Davis has created an inspiring, innovative, in-depth workbook for all women and men suffering from the effects of childhood sexual abuse.
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Featuring Honoring the Truth: A Response to the Backlash
by Ellen Bass, Laura Davis
An updated and revised edition of the classic best-selling guide (more than 700,000 copies sold) that has inspired millions of women survivors of child sexual abuse and helped them down the road to recovery.
Adult Survivors Speak Out!
WARNING: The experiences on this page may trigger the memories of survivors; please read with caution. Through the sharing of our lives and stories, we help ourselves heal, and hopefully help others not feel so alone with this horrible crime that changes the lives of so many forever.
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I don't have time for all the airy-fairy, "let’s gather crystals and dance naked under the moon" bullshit. I’m angry, and if I find one of those bastards who abused me, I’ll rip their necks out with my bare teeth. Men have no idea of the effect that taking a child’s innocence away has on later life. As they "get off" with girls who are at the time powerless, they would not care even if they did know how they are affecting a whole life. The shame of never feeling as good as others, and worst of all, that deep, heavy, dark shadow that is always sitting there inside, like someone downloaded a program into you when you were being manufactured and you can't erase it. I wish some men could be erased. I will heal one day, but there will NEVER be forgiveness.--Someone in Australia
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I was sexually abused by my stepfather for years. At first it was strange to me. I think I was about 5 years old when he used to brush up against me; I didn't know why he did that. Later he went on to fondle my genitals. I believe this went on for about 8 years, although I still have periods of time that I really can’t account for--like I was watching a movie and missed part of it. BUT, I do know it was all very real. I think it’s different when you are a man. Young boys are often sexually aroused when fondled, that's just a reflex by the body, but adds to the guilt and shame of it all. It just made it more confusing to me. I hated this man, I didn't want him to touch me, and yet I would get an erection. I am told this is normal. I am still trying to remember that I didn't ask to be touched!!!
When I was around age 10, he started to rape me. He said no one would believe me if I told, and that I would be sent to a foster home, away from my sister who I loved very much. I never told anyone until I was 15; then I told a teacher who knew that I was depressed; years later, I found out she had been abused, too. Back then, I used to kind of leave my body and go away into a dream world where he was not, and when the abuse was done I would return. I had nightmares for years. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to get the hell out of there and go into the Air Force. I later went to college, but the abuse has touched every part of my life. I have two children of my own now; I can't imagine ever doing something so awful to my children. I don't know why some people are pedophiles. I just have to live my life the best that I can. I had to break all ties with my mother and stepfather when I went into the Air Force, and I do not regret that. (I’m not suggesting that this is the correct thing to do.)
If a child, teen or an adult tells you they were abused, just listen to them. No one lies about this nightmare. Thank you for reading this. I hope it helps someone.--Mark H., Baltimore, U.S.A.
Thanks to you all. More soon; silence helps no one but the abuser.
Member Comments
by Andaryus on November 5, 2008 at 5:12 PM
Hi I just was told by my bf that he was sexually abused when he was a child... he told me he had never told anyone... ever!! he swore me to secracy.. I love him dearly but the mood swings, displaced anger and drug abuse is getting excessive... I'm way over my head here... any advise?? andaryus@excite.com
by koracarter on December 8, 2008 at 8:04 PM
You are very brave. I was abused by my step-grandfather and by my stepfather. It was a horrible thing to live through and I totally understand where you are coming from. When I finally told, my mother believed me and choose to stay with the man that had raped a little girl. So, I left when I was 18 (now 41) and haven't spoken to my mother since then. It is very hard sometimes, but I had to move on with my life. I have 2 children and a loving husband. He knows what happened to me and loves me very much. I went through couseling in college and I had a wonderful counselor who made me see that I am someone special and that I matter in this world. I don't think he ever realized how much he helped me. The one thing that makes me so proud is that my children never have to live through such a horrible thing. If someone ever did that to my children I don't know what I would do but it wouldn't be pretty. YOU are a brave man and I think that makes you more of a man for standing up to what you believe in!!!!
by stillcrazy on December 18, 2008 at 9:01 PM
i was a sexually abused child and am still suffering the horrible after effects at almost 50yrs. I never told anyone until my counsler figured it out when I was 30. I have been in and out of counseling since. Now I feel more fragile and confused than ever. two years ago after a major meltdown, I went to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder among other things(ADD,depression,and about 3 other disorders). Well, my counseler at the time told me she didn't see the borderline thing, frankly i'm not sure but, i do know if you are diagnosed with it, you wind up feeling abused again by psychiatrist and it seems almost everone else in the mental health field. pretty much i feel like i'm being treated as a nuisance (just by asking a question of my psychiatrist) and that i need to just get over it that my complaints of depression and uncontrollable emotions are my fault, that i don't want help, that i'm a freak or somehow enjoy this hell. i feel this diagnosis has set me way back. i told my psychiatrist 2 days ago how rude and cruel he was and now have to find another so i can get my scripts. this really sucks. are all psychiatrist like him? (arrogant,cold, hateful)
by greenbee on January 27, 2009 at 6:54 PM
stillcrazy, I was just looking online...again...for more info and I came across your post. I have also been through the BPD diagnosis, time and again (!), and yes, if you question the professionals you are being confrontational and therefore again fit the diagnostic criteria. I felt it was a slap in the face, I questioned my judgement again, and by doing this I was putting the power in their hands, back in the hands of someone who did not care, who felt it was ok to blame the victim. I live in the UK, I have experienced different abuses and I am a woman. I have drawn the conclusion that it is better for the 'general order' to blame the victim than to blame the abuser - imagine the whole of society would turn on it's ass! Please please do not take it on board, do not own it, it isn't yours, read Dorothy Rowe (psychologist) about BPD. I am anti-psychiatry (as you can probably tell), I have found counselling helpful, and self help. I am now training as a person-centered counsellor. 6 years ago I was detained in a psychiatric hospital...I got out the other side by listening to myself, no medical support what so ever, just by facing and really listening to myself: 'Have faith, stay as strong as you have been, hold on to yourself, have a little revolution, you have the capacity to look after yourself, even when others don't'.
by greenbee on January 27, 2009 at 6:54 PM
stillcrazy, I was just looking online...again...for more info and I came across your post. I have also been through the BPD diagnosis, time and again (!), and yes, if you question the professionals you are being confrontational and therefore again fit the diagnostic criteria. I felt it was a slap in the face, I questioned my judgement again, and by doing this I was putting the power in their hands, back in the hands of someone who did not care, who felt it was ok to blame the victim. I live in the UK, I have experienced different abuses and I am a woman. I have drawn the conclusion that it is better for the 'general order' to blame the victim than to blame the abuser - imagine the whole of society would turn on it's ass! Please please do not take it on board, do not own it, it isn't yours, read Dorothy Rowe (psychologist) about BPD. I am anti-psychiatry (as you can probably tell), I have found counselling helpful, and self help. I am now training as a person-centered counsellor. 6 years ago I was detained in a psychiatric hospital...I got out the other side by listening to myself, no medical support what so ever, just by facing and really listening to myself: 'Have faith, stay as strong as you have been, hold on to yourself, have a little revolution, you have the capacity to look after yourself, even when others don't'.
by SassyBrat on December 21, 2008 at 12:19 AM
I was sexually abused by my father from the ages of 4 yrs old til 8 yrs old...Then I was forced to live w/ him at the age of 13 yrs old to 14 yrs old...At this time I was abused repeatly not only by my father, but he allowed a few of his friends to join in...I am in counseling for it...Its been really rough dealing w/ lately...I have been in counseling for about 8 or so yrs now...I am working w/ my 2nd counselor...I have been able to open up to her more than I did w/ the 1st one...But its still hard!!!! I am struggling w/ the fact, I knew in the back of my mind it had happened even tho I may not remember everything, but bringing it to the surface...talking and writting about it makes it so much more reality than anything and its scarey as heck...I am not sure where to go w/ everything...I have also been raped as an adult, the last one was back in 2006...I have a pretty good support system, but they dont always know what to do or understand what I may b going through, bc they havent been through what I have...I would like to find a group I can join to meet other ppl like me...
by Jillbrine on December 29, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Hello. This is the first time I have ever done this. I was sexually abused by my great uncle from age 12 to 15. I am now 45 years old. I have been married now 3 times. I have always had trouble in my relationships with men. I dont know how to be "sexual" I am embarrassed and ashamed of my body and anything that "feels" good. I relate it to the years of abuse. My current husband is of no help. I have been to alot of counseling. I have learned to identify what is a trigger, and communicate this with him. My problem is that he doesnt seem to care. He has continued to do the "same" things that I have told him are triggers for the last 10 years. Now, he tells me its my fault. That I need more counseling. Not his fault for not respecting my wishes or feelings. I feel like a victim all ofer again. I dont know how to get him to understand . Intellectually, I know it isnt my fault, but he truly makes me feel that there is something wrong with me, and that is why, and it is up to me to fix it. Not that he needs to do anything different. I need to be the one to accept it and move on. Help
by aklop on February 2, 2009 at 5:37 PM
Hi
by aklop on February 2, 2009 at 5:46 PM
Hi Jillbrine,
I don't think you should be married to this man if he is not prepared to understand or atleast acknowledge how you feel.
You are being very open and honest and looking to make progress through this, you need support, love and understanding, none of which this man is offering you.
I would think you need to be completely open, honest and upfront with him and tell him that you feel your feelings are not being understood or acknowledged.
If after this, he is still not prepared to listen, understand, acknowledge and support you, then I think it is maybe time to consider; does he really love you? Is he the right man to be with at this point in time? I really feel that having a negative support, probably does more damage than having no support. The negative support will not help you to accept these feelings and deal with your past. You put it in your own words: "Now, he tells me its my fault. That I need......I need to be the one to accept it and move on" Re read your entry. It is crazy to have to live with this.
Hope you are well.
by Constant on January 4, 2009 at 12:56 PM
What happened to me was not nearly as bad as what others have gone through. I was abused 4 times when I was young, and only once was it a family member. The effects just won't go away, though. It feels like I cannot grow up inside. As if I'm still ten years old. And I can't relax around men, though I long to be with someone; I cannot let anyone into my personal space. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have at least two other friends who were abused worse that I was, who met and married great men. But for some reason I can't let my guard down and can't relax. I fear that I will never escape this, and will alwas be alone.
by zeller91 on April 23, 2009 at 3:00 PM
i also was abuse by my father.it started around the age of 6 with general fondaling, he would wake me up in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep. it quickly grew in to oral sex and he would ejaculate in his hand. by the age of 13 he was trying to have intercourse with me. i dealt with it in 2 ways. one, i went off into a dream land where nothing bad could happen to me. when it was over i would come back to myself, during this period i remember very little. i kind of compare it to "blacking out", but i know if i start to dig at it i can remember. Throughout my life i have had horrible bouts with nightmares and sleeping disorders, all of which i contribute to him. My second way of dealing with it was that i referred to my dad as two seperater people. my daddy was the person that loved me and would never let any harm come to me. the other was my father, who hurt me and did horrible thing to me.
by unbeatensnail on June 23, 2009 at 7:54 PM
I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was 5 years old. It went on for about 2 years. My parents had divorced and my mom took my brother and I from CA. to FL. She needed a sitter so she could work and my uncle was glad to help out. He took advantage of her naivety. When I told my mom everything when I turned 12. My uncle stormed over to our house with his then *girlfriend calling me a liar. I would not come out of my room because I horrified. I wish I could go back to that day. His *wife and him had 3 boys. Last month I saw him uptown with his wife and granddaughter who is about 6 years old. I physically became ill. I know he is abusing her! The only solution I can come up with would put me in prison. I hate him so much!
by magic_mushroom on June 30, 2009 at 6:59 AM
Hi there.
I believe that I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was 6, but I'm not sure. From my recollection, when my mother found out about it, she tried to make me forget about it. I was constantly reassured and told I was the best thing since sliced bread. I have always had problems making friends & at the age of 34 have never even kissed a girl before. For 10 years I have been walking in a psycotic haze and have been diagnosed with psychosis recently. This is my dilmna. Am i making things up? Did these things really happen to me? I certainly have very big self esteem issues and feel like I can never really be myself around people. My mother keeps denying that anything really happened to me so I really don't know.
by carebass on July 30, 2009 at 9:51 AM
I was sexually abused by my aunt's husband when I was 7. I told my parents who really didn't do anything about it. Then from the ages of 10 to 12 years old, my sister made me do horrible things with her. She would threaten to tell my parents that I had lied about my aunt's husband, or really had liked it. She moved away when she turned 18. I honestly had forgotten what she had done to me until she moved back 3 years ago. I never told anyone until last month. I finally told my wonderful and loving husband of 10 years. Telling him was so hard. I felt dirty and like I was going through it all over again, but at the same time freeing. Now I don't know what to do. The box can't be closed again since it has been opened. Do I tell my parents all these years later? I feel like I need to confront her, but I'm scared to because I don't want to hear what she has to say and I really don't ever want to see or talk to her again. I know I need counselling, but how could my older sister do that to me when she was supposed to love and protect me! I'm very angry at her and myself.
by anonymous76 on August 14, 2009 at 6:19 AM
Was I sexually abused as a child?
I have been asking myself that question a million times.
How does one know?
In my country talking about sex is a taboo, telling your mother or someone else you trust is a dangerous thing to do.
As a child I remember being obsessed with sex I was four or five when I started to have sex with little boy's at my age.
Now as a grown up, I often feel ashamed or guilty that I did something very bad when I have sex with my husband.
I don't have a good relationship with my father, as a teenager he used to physically abuse me, even tried to kill me twice and always called me a devils child.
I don't remember him abusing me sexually as a child, but whenever I visit my parents during holidays, seeing my father around children, my sisters children bothers me to the point that I want to vomit and I want to run to protect them from him, but I cant instead I go somewhere else.
I also noticed my father staring at me in an inappropriate way.
Does this mean he sexually abused me as a child?
And why cant I remember what happened then?
I can't talk to anyone in my family about this, I'm too ashamed.
Coming from a Muslim family, I would be banned from the rest of my family or worse.
by eamern on August 26, 2009 at 5:08 PM
I have been in therapy off and on for the last 38 years. And I had no idea about the sexual abuse my father did to me until 12 years ago after a trauma that caused me to start remembering. I still don't remember most of the details becaue I am so good at disassociation. Which is for me a direct result of the trauma that I was unable to deal with as a child. I just simply went away mentally. I struggled with "did it really happen??" for so long.......and made a breakthrough just today...you see I did tell as a child and was not believed. I learned not to trust myself. After all how could that horrible thing really have happened? Especially when my mother didn't believe me? She was (and still is) right in everything so I must have been wrong. But I wasn't wrong. She was. And it did happen. And it was horrible. And it has affected me me in ways that I don't even realize yet. I have FINALLY found the right therapist. I am 53 years old now and I want my life back. And I intend to get it. So did it happen to you? I don't know..........I am no expert. But how you feel, how you think, even how you act sounds so familiar to me. I will pray for me and you.
by abusedNsuicidal on September 26, 2009 at 9:51 PM
hi
by abusedNsuicidal on September 26, 2009 at 10:04 PM
Hi im 17 and the last time i can remember my dad sexually abusing me was just in 2008 novemberish he always tells me that hes my dad and i need to respect him!! HOW CAN I RESPECT SOME ONE THAT RUINED ME INSIDE i feel so trapped because if i tell my mom they would just fight alllll the time cause they cant afford a divorce or we will be out on the street. no one knows im sexually abused except my sister in college cause she was abused to but she luckly got out of the house i want to tell my friend that i would trust with my life but im scared if i do that things wont be the same im depressed all the time and whenever i tell my friends that i want my dad to die they say im being over dramatic if only they knew why i hate him so much im still at home with my pedophile dad and my mom has no idea what kind of guy he is. my friends always tell me im gonna go to hell for wanting my dad dead but IM ALREADY IN MY OWN HELL i have to look at the BASTARD that ruined my life FOR HIS OWN SEXUAL PLEASURES i used to make excuses when he was creepy with my friends like when he tried to look down my friends shirt when we were 9 cause she spilled water on her shirt i just thought he was trying to see if she got wet but that was FAR from his intentions. everytime i here that someone died i wish that it could of been me or i think how easy it would be to just leave the garage door closed and leave my car on and just slip away but i dont know why i havent
by tragichild on October 1, 2009 at 11:32 AM
I just started going for counseling. I have been sexual abused by my brother for almost the entire span of my life. I am known by friends and family as the go to person, the fix it person, and really pretty bitchy. BUT for some reason I just step outside myself when this comes up. I have completely stopped seeing or taking calls from my brother, when there is a family function, I make excuses for my children and I. I also finally explained to my children to PLEASE NOT take any gifts from your uncle. I said it was because I feel bad not being able to pay for stuff myself. (I am out of work) BUT really it is because he will make me pay for it in other ways. I can write this but to speak it makes me physically sick. I just need to know after trying to talk about this stuff do you feel better? Because right now I feel myself slipping away and just trying to live like I have been, like it happened to someone else and not me, never me. I feel there are two sides of me and I don't want to look at the one my brother abused. I want to be the mom who taxis their kids around and goes to games and cheers them on. Not the person that all I need to do is catch a whiff of a certain smell or see a certain item in my house and I disappear. I run inside myself and I don't come back for a long time.
by Suvivor1980 on October 9, 2009 at 7:01 PM
At the age of 3 I was molested by my mother, at age 4 raped by my father, age 11 molested by two boy cousins, age 16 raped by a boy cousin. My life has been full of abuse. My parents used to lock my brother and I in a closet during storms to keep us "safe" I am terrified of storms and small spaces now. I have spent my life not trusting anyone. Until I met my husband he has been the one constant in my life. Last year I finally told him about all of the above plus much more that I will spare you from. We both went to counseling and I am doing better now. I am also bipolar which is genetic and made worse by the fact that my mother and father used drugs and drank while I was in the womb and during conception. The good thing is that I have two beautiful boys whom I adore. They and my husband are my world. I would never hurt a child and it hurts me to read or hear about victims. IT is so sad to know that people can be so sick. Also I have to thank God for my healing for without him I do not know where I would be. Probably not sharing my success with all of you. There is hope just have faith and try working through The Wounded Heart and the Workbook that goes with it. I did this with a counselor and it helped me so much.
by BeTruetoYou on October 13, 2009 at 6:57 PM
This terrible epidemic of child sexual abuse MUST BE STOPPED. When are people going to wake up! I read all the above posts. My message to each of you is: Dont you ever give up, dont you ever shut up, and remember, you did not deserve it, you did not ask for it, you did not cause it.
Take care of you!!
by BobAthol on October 18, 2009 at 5:47 PM
I am a 53 year old survivor who has never talked about the abuse. I feel it most days so I need to find a group where I can talk and listen. Anyone know of groups in the Mass. area?
by JustWatching on November 11, 2009 at 1:33 PM
this is deep and i hope eveything is ok. my friend is being abused pfysically by her father and we (me and some friends) think sexually too. she always blows it off and has stopped eating for a while. her parents are both abusive but she lives with her drunk father, he doesnt deserve being called a dad ro even a man >( but anyway, she started eating again and now she eats some of my lunch. everything was getting a lil better, but her dad still controls her whole life and abuses her, she has a restraining order against her mom and she recently beat her up because of it. whenever we hangout or anything and she would punch me i would get SOO pissed and want ot punch her back , adn when i do this is what she'd say: Why'd you do that, im beaten up enough already! but then she'd punch me again and expects to get away with it, its really annoying because, even though she's going through this, that shouldnt mean that she gets away with everything. she always gives me the finger (if you know what i mean) and calls me a bitch playfully, but it mean and i've been called a bitch before by a verbally mean friend. i just need some help because she's my best friend adn we have talked to her but the guidance counselor didnt believe her another time so she's not talking. i'm just asking for help and guidance, she wants to be legally emancipated when she turns 15 but we don't think she'll live that long. her dad has: burnt her with a cigarette (3 times), shoved her head into a sink, hit her with a meat tenderizer, and possibly... molested her. we are all young (14) and we need help and prayers! please leave some suggestion!!!
by levige on November 13, 2009 at 1:33 PM
Hi, one of my friend was a victim of incest. Her story really touched me and I decided to create a blog to help others. You can freely express yourself.
http://safespace-levige.blogspot.com/
by Walllee on November 20, 2009 at 10:52 AM
Thanks for posting an article like this. My sister's daughter was abused by her own father. The facts of the situation are. she just turned 5 and god knows what he did, her skin around genitals is darkened as if with some infections, he hit her saying would you scream or cry, he hit her hard so that she won't even tell anyone. it was so hard to get things out of her . she don't trust anyone, she is so scared, she is bed wetting screaming in sleep saying a demon is attacking her and her mother . I want her to heal.
what a days lord!!!!!!!1
by helpgetstrength on November 28, 2009 at 6:27 PM
I am 53. When my brother was 13 and I was 10 he told me he wanted to "play." He brought many friends to "play." There was intercourse. I thought he was a "GOD" and I trusted him with my life. Everyone loved him. He was very, very smart. I now am bulimic, untrusting, alcoholic...a mess. I have been in counseling off and on all my life. I have no self-esteem. My brother hates me now because I confronted him. When he sees me now, he glares at me and belittles me. Thank you for this chat. I will be strong one day. I wish I could help all people who have been sexually abused and belittled.
Thanks for listening.
by razabel84 on December 4, 2009 at 8:44 PM
To JustWatching.
This is a very serious issue. If you know your friend is being abused you need to alert the proper authority. If the school counselor has not done anything you need to tell the police and child protective services. I am sorry for your friend but also know that you need to respect your self enough to demand respect from others. Do not let anyone including friends verbally abuse you and take you for granted. If she can't treat you with respect then you should not spend very much time with her because it will affect your self esteem. She is in a bad place right now and she needs professional help, you can not give her the help that she needs. Good luck.
by Pogonia on December 6, 2009 at 10:22 PM
40 years ago I gave up a newborn baby for adoption. He was the result of incest from my brother beginning when I was 8 and he was 13. Ended when he left for the air force. He did everything except penetrate so for years I felt it was really 'nothing' to talk about. But, of course, it was. This article touches on so many emotions I have dealt with; i.e., low self esteem, promiscuity, confusing sex w/affection and love, not trusting men, etc. Now my son has found me. (I am thrilled.) But it all comes back and once again my family is surprised I haven't 'gotten over it'. WHY DO THEY THINK WE CAN GET OVER IT????? My brother set me up for the rape by a cousin-in-law, and the succeeding 'mistakes' in my life which have led me to my life today. I often wonder, had he not killed my childhood, what kind of success I might have been.
by Pogonia on December 6, 2009 at 10:40 PM
I don't see how to edit a comment, so let me clarify my first post. The child was not my brother's. He was indirectly responsible because of the incest and everything that followed.
The Courage to Heal started me on a healing journey some years ago, and I am stronger today because of it. I've had no money for counseling, but that book, and the succeeding reading I've done, has helped me keep my sanity. Now all these emotions have surged up again, I guess I'll have to do some additional reading. Again, this is a WONDERFUL article in summing up my adult life. (Please tell me how to edit a post; also how to subscribe because I can't always find my way back.)
by sweetgeorgia on December 8, 2009 at 12:05 AM
Pogonia,
Your brother went into the air force when you were 13 or 14 years old. You had your brother's son when you were that young? That must be very difficult for you now that your son has found you. Hopefully, he won't have to meet your brother.
by Pogonia on December 8, 2009 at 9:48 AM
I'm sorry, sweetgeorgia. I hope you read my edited post. The child was NOT my brother's. My actions leading to this pregnancy were a result of the incest. Perhaps my mis-used words above are what prompted one sister to say she never wanted to hear from me again-EVER! Probably she never read further.
It seems like whenever I let my need to be understood surface (because I do ache for the family I once believed in), I end up hurting others. :( But, even so, I continue my journey of learning to believe in myself.
by shellybean2034 on December 8, 2009 at 11:38 AM
I just starting having repressed memories of being sexually abused by my father from ages 5 to 12, and I didn't remember until recently. I had so much else going on at the time, my family was a complete mess and I moved a bunch of times. My parents had serious boundary issues and things were bad. I got in touch with a child abuse specialist who knew my family back then and she says it did happen. Also, I told 3 other trusted people about it and all of them said "they weren't surprised." That's what kind of person my father is. I am 19 now and it is the hardest thing to deal with. Every day is like a living hell. I don't know anyone else who has been through this and I am really needing support. I am in counseling and it is helping a little bit. I go to church and have a good relationship with God, but after this it has seemed to tear me apart from the Lord. If anyone has any suggestions I would really appreciate it. Thanks
by shellybean2034 on December 8, 2009 at 11:38 AM
I recently had repressed memories of being sexually abused by my father from ages 5 to 12. My life has been chaos since the day I was born and so many things have happened, that my mind just couldn't handle another trauma. But when I first remembered I thought I was going crazy because my father is very loving towards me and seems like he wants the best for me. But I got in contact with a Child Abuse Specialist who worked with my family when I was little and she confirmed that I was sexually abused by him. I am 19 now, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I feel like I am a stranger in my own body, and that I have been used and am dirty and worthless. I am in counseling and that helps a little. I have been very down lately and shutting everyone out. It is so painful, and I don't know anyone else who has been through this. It is so weird because everything makes sense now as to why I was so upset the last few years, and everyone said it was from what I had been through in my life but I knew there was something more...and this was it. I have a history of self-injury, low self esteem, troubled relationships, feeling unwelcome in my own body, anxiety and panic attacks, etc. I don't know how to confront my parents (my mother was around and knows about it, but she has BPD as a result of being sexually abused when she was younger) and I feel like everything I try to cope with this is not working. I am struggling and I do not want to resort to drugs or alcohol. I want to deal with this in a healthy way. Please, if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Thanks
by CiNdY09 on December 12, 2009 at 8:36 AM
but there will NEVER be forgiveness, I agree there can't be! I had to break all ties with my family because of abuse suffered by my mother's live in man-friend. I hate him and my mother who saw what was happening and did nothing to stop it, I think she even encouraged the abuse. My whole family turned against me when I was 17, when I spoke up and told my mother why I was leaving. It's been over 20 years since I've seen her, the worst is for my children who know they have relatives who won't have anything to do with them because of her. She blames me, and says the abuse was my fault (I was 11 when it started with him) She later said I was abused by an older brother when I was a baby, I suppose that was my fault too! That brother was forced into the Airforce, and died in boot camp, she blames me for that too! I Hate her and will never forgive them for all the painful things she said to me and let others do to me, I'm in my forties now, if she could have I think she would have had an abortion she always told everyone I was the kid she didn't want! Now I live with constant depression and negative feelings, its a constant battle for me, right now I have kick my self in the butt to get over my current bought with depression. To all those dealing with this Good Luck, Look to Your God and Your self, the human mind a strong,its like a plant plenty of water and sun, you will grow to be Good People if you believe.
by whitejasmine on December 13, 2009 at 9:29 PM
Hi everyone. I'm sorry you have been through these things. I have not experienced what you have, although I have been through the mental health system myself, and I'd like to share with you what I found useful. When I was unwell I started useful sessions with my psychologist. As I started to feel brave enough to share my experiences with psychologist I started getting better. I began living with other people with issues, and became good friends with them until today. I suggest you avoid people who hurt you or discourage you or are unhelpful to you, even if he or she or they are family members. Surround yourself with a person or people who value you, people who you like to be with, happy with. Find them online, find an online chat group or mailing list. Read other people's experiences. My country has a free phone councelling service called Lifeline. Find a support group in your area, talk to the coordinator without saying your name and ask about how the group works and who attends and how old they are and how the group goes. If you are comfortable with this, go, take a friend, and listen, and talk, and share your experiences if you want. You'll be with people who can relate to you and you will not be alone, you'll be with people who accept you and understand you. One philosopher said the first thing to gain happiness is friends. I don't accept the psychiatric industry's diagnosis, I believe it's out to make money, and it has a name for everything (see DVD Psychiatry: An Industry of...). May you all heal, and may the people who hurt you come to realise the pain they have caused.
by mariya2387 on December 22, 2009 at 9:41 PM
I have never told this to anyone. When was 12 years old i was abused by my cousins frined that was staying with us ( he was 21) Back then i didnt really know what was wrong and what was right he tried to grab me every chance he got, when ever i close my eyes is till remeber when i was walking my dog he grabbed me from ehind and just did it in the woods. After he moved out i felt gret relief, but my second cousing had moved in (23) and abused me as well. When i moved out of there at 15 i neevr looked back or told anyone. I recently ran into my second cousin and the guy that was abusing me addedd me onfacebook. i think they are the people that are responsible for me being unable to perform sexualy with the love of my life. I dont want sex nor do i enjoy it, its a chor instead of something that feels good. I dont know how to get over this...do you think i should confront them and tell them that what they did was wrong?? i am currently 22 and cant fulfill or forget what happened...i guess i need closure....any advice?
by meemi on January 10, 2010 at 8:52 PM
I am lost and don't know where to turn, I was married a few months ago and have just found out that my husband sexually abused his half sister from age 5 to 12. when he was age 11 to 18, and had a sexual relationship with his other half sister with results of a baby when he was in his early twenties. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I feel like I am going to explode. His family will not talk to him and I have never met them (now I know why) I am very worried about his sisters. They is grown now but I know what the abuse has done to me. I asked him to talk to me about it but all he says is that was a long time ago and that his sisters is fine. I love my husband very much but I really don't think I can do this. Does anyone know anywhere I can go for some support?....any advice?
by LibbyBelle on January 17, 2010 at 12:33 PM
To Meemi - do you have children? Especially daughters? If so, get out, get out, get out, & do not look back. If not, even then you must face the facts about the kind of person you married. He is minimizing the abuse he heaped on his half-sisters, so you can expect that he will be the type that doesn't take responsibility for his actions in others areas of life either. I don't know how you found out about this, but I'm betting he wasn't the one to tell you, so he went into this marriage with secrets - that is deceptive. Do not expect this marriage to be what you had hoped. You want a man with good character, and you do not have that kind of man.
by created2worship on January 22, 2010 at 8:29 PM
you cAN GO TO CELIBRATE RECOVERY ITS a christ centered twelve step group they hAVE a smALL GROUP FOR SEXUal phYSicAL and emotionAL abuse they ARE FREE and ALL OVER THE US I Have been going for 9+ yeARS.... IT CHanged my life... ANd PROBably sAVED IT, S_ORRY MY KEY BOard is messed up Call me if you hAVE any qustions or just need to tALK
MICHELE (540)818-7886
by simhere2 on January 25, 2010 at 3:36 PM
To "crated2worship": Looking at your text in your post above, I think you may be often hitting and toggling the "Caps-Lock" key by accident mostly when you type the letter "A", that's probably why you "think" the keyboard is messed up... I hope that helps... :)
by RainbowCR on February 1, 2010 at 12:49 AM
I just don't know where to begin, I can only say that I'm glad to be here.I know that talking about incest is key for my recovery and I am ready to begin this process. I was six when this nightmare began, he used to lock me in a room at the back of the house, some kind of storage room and made me do things to him. I,like most of you, never told anyone either, and have being holding those feelings, all the anger, shame and guiltyness since then. Even as I write this post I can feel my face turning red with guilt and shame.There was nothing,nothing that I could have done to avoid this from happening. I was just a little girl. I'm 37 now and keep repeating to myself that it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault. it wasn't my fault. When he talked,actually yelled at me I was so afraid that I would begin shaking.I had no choice than doing what he wanted.I'm still afraid of him, specially when I go to bed and turn off the lights,I usually begin shaking and cry silently and let all those disturbing images crash on me,this leaves me completely drained or used to, thank god it does not happend often. Therapy last year showed me how not to fight against painful memories, I can't pretend they are not there anymore, I can't continue pretending they don't really affect me that much, they have being messing with me for 30 years. I better begin confronting them, once and for all so I can finally move on with my life.
I always thought you had ruined my life. Well, let me tell you something dad: you did ruin the first half of my life. The second half is Mine, and I'm the one who have complete control over my life this time!
by SurvivorK on February 1, 2010 at 3:42 PM
I was abused by my older brother for years. I finally got the courage to tell my parents and left a note on my mother's dresser saying that my brother was doing terrible things to me at night. The day I left the note for my mother, I stayed away from home after school until I knew both of my parents would be home. When I got into the house later that evening, my mother demanded angerily to know "What's the meaning of this note?" while shaking the note at me. Ok, so the big solution was that my father told my brother to "leave your sister alone"! It took every ounce of courage I had to leave that note begging for help and it was like I was totally blown off. I'm in my 40s now and this still bothers me most - how could a parent not protect their child - that abandonment of my parents that day has stayed with me to the present. In a nutshell, it basically told me that I was no good and not worth protecting. I have been in therapy for years and am on anti-depressants which has helped a great deal but I don't think anyone knows exacxtly how you feel unless they have gone through it too.
by karlynox on February 4, 2010 at 7:11 AM
I was sexually abused by a step-father for many years, starting at age 5. This included intercourse. After telling my mom, she decided to stay with him until I went to college.
In the meantime, I have been diagnosed with the usual ongoing depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, IBS, and now Fibromyalgia. I am just wondering if anyone else has also been given this diagnosis who was abused as a child...
Thanks,
Kari
by RainbowCR on February 5, 2010 at 3:26 PM
I completely agree with you SurvivorK, one have to go through the same experiences we went to know exactly how we feel. My therapist helped a lot but sometime when we talked I felt she was being cold or diminished what I said. I was not expecting her to burst into tears with me every time I talked about a painful experience either, the thing is I never saw compassion. That was the main reason I stopped seeing her, she gave me some great advices but I feel more confortable with the way I manage or deal with my recovery today. I started to make my own reseach about the topic, so I understand more easily how I feel and why, I think I am not as confused as I used to. One big change I can see growing on me is that I'm starting to think positive, and starting to focus on aspects of my live that needs changes. I got the courage to do that now. We can all find the strength to do it.
(excuse all my grammar faults, please. I'm from Costa Rica and I love your language I hope someday I write it properly )
by thinkagain on February 6, 2010 at 6:35 AM
I WISH I COULD HELP AN ANYWAY BUT I CANT HELP FEELING HELPLESS BCOS I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED WHAT U GUYS HAVE. ALL I HAVE IS A PRAYER,FOR U, THAT THE GREAT MERCIES OF OUR DEAR LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER WILL LOCATE YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE!IF IT WILL HELP,CONSIDER A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST, IT WONT FAIL WHERE COUNSELING OR THERAPY FAILS.I JUST HOPE THAT SOME OF YOU WHO SOUND SO ANGRY AND RIGHTFULLY SO, WILL LEARN ABOUT FORGIVENESS,"FOR YOUR OWN SAKE".YOUR LIFE OR DESTINY ISN'T IN ANYONES HANDS BUT YOURS. WHAT YOU ALLOW OTHERS DO TO YOU NOW WILL AFFECT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. THERE IS HOPE-TRY JESUS! HE CARES AND WANTS TO HELP.
I DONT LIVE IN THE US SO I CANT DIRECT YOU TO ANY CENTER BUT IF YOU'LL LOVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HOW JESUS CAN HELP CONTACT ME WITH THIS ADDRESS: DUGASELLIAS@YAYOO.COM. GOD BLESS YOU.
by acurtis5 on February 7, 2010 at 9:41 PM
I too was raped repeatedely raped by my stepdad from 6months old until i was 10 years old and I am a writer now and i write very bluntly about what happened to me and how it affected my mom and my sister and even my brothers life' I still have mental issues from the sexual abuse. The one thing I suggest to every survivor is to write about it because it will heal your heart slowly but surely. this is one of my poems i wrote and it is true.
?If I Could?
I killed a big part of you that day, when I told you what I had to say.
The tears flowed freely from your eyes. Learning of all the betrayal,
of all the lies.
The man you called your husband, your life. Ten years being
Everything to him, his lover, his wife. Then finding out he
Was having sex with your child.
To say you were shocked is putting it mild. You looked at me
With such pain, for the very first time seeing my shame. For
Five long years I?ve avoided this day.
I never wanted to hurt you this way. I prayed to God to make
Him stop, living my life in secret thoughts. Terrified to be caught,
Believing that it was all my fault.
Thinking that it was me that was bad, I have felt so very sad.
I would have told you if I could, but he said he would kill
You , I believed he would.
I?m sorry your world I tore apart, and forever you had a broken
Heart, It was him that didn?t behave as he should. That is
What I?d change ?If I could?.
by CDNtype2 on February 10, 2010 at 11:42 AM
I suffered molestation and rape from 12 to 14 yrs old. When I told my Mom she said, "I was lying." It was grooming me to be a victim of gang raped at 19 and left pregnant. I chose not to have it. Relationships with men have been unsuccessful for the most part. My weight has always been a huge issue. When I get healthy and lose the weight then men pay more attention to me. I get uncomfortable so I pack it all back on and more at 260lbs I am now a type 2 diabetic with a multitude of medical issues. I know I am doing it to myself but how do you does one stop this cycle.
by itstillhurts on February 11, 2010 at 3:08 PM
Hi,
I was molested by my brother.To this day I think evey one knows but doesnt speak about it or acknlowdege what he did.I would like to know if at the now agae of 48 ,can I have him procecuted for destroying my childhood and life?I was 8 or 9 he was 18 when it started
by angryrose on February 13, 2010 at 1:11 PM
I Was molested by my father from the age of 8-13. He was taken away from our family, and ended up in work release for a year. Meanwhile, my mother continued to hold our family together, and we all went on with our lives. My priorities went from family and school to becoming popular, being social and getting attention from boys. After 5 years, my family completely reunited, and today we are a "happy family" again. But I am not happy. I am 24, I have been bulimic for 6 years and am constantly sabotaging myself. I have never been a faithful girlfriend, am codependent, have never followed through with anything and am constantly severely depressed. I am so sad with how my life has turned out, and I don't know whether to relate it to the abuse I went through as a kid. I am so lost and sad.
by mutt1919 on February 23, 2010 at 7:03 PM
I am just now in my 30s I starting to realize that I was abused as a boy. Just a few months ago, I removed the bed from my apartment. I sleep on a camping mattress. I didn't really understand why I did this. And now so many things add up and I believe that I was abused in my bed at home as a child. So I feel safer with no bed. I don't really know why this took me so long to realize.
In the past I always doubted the whole suppressed memories thing. But now... well too many things add up. Its not just the bed, but I find it too embarrassing, even writing anonymously to admit the other things. Well maybe one other I can admit was an anxiety around authority figures, and difficulty trusting people.
I guess this is progress, but I fell like I am looking into a toxic waste dump that is my psychology.
Well stay strong everyone and thanks for sharing your personal stories, because I know it is difficult to do so.
by mutt1919 on February 23, 2010 at 7:04 PM
I am just now in my 30s I starting to realize that I was abused as a boy. Just a few months ago, I removed the bed from my apartment. I sleep on a camping mattress. I didn't really understand why I did this. And now so many things add up and I believe that I was abused in my bed at home as a child. So I feel safer with no bed. I don't really know why this took me so long to realize.
In the past I always doubted the whole suppressed memories thing. But now... well too many things add up. Its not just the bed, but I find it too embarrassing, even writing anonymously to admit the other things. Well maybe one other I can admit was an anxiety around authority figures, and difficulty trusting people.
I guess this is progress, but I fell like I am looking into a toxic waste dump that is my psychology.
Well stay strong everyone and thanks for sharing your personal stories, because I know it is difficult to do so.
by Lcoastmom on March 2, 2010 at 3:03 PM
I am crying after reading this
My neighbor had a son and a her little girl who was 9,
One day the kids didn't come home from school
But I didn't know this, there were police at her house I ran over to see
her husband coming out on a stretcher after sniffing bleach (yes sniffing bleach) HE wanted to die
HE had been touching her daughter and HIS biological daughter who was also 9
I don't know all HE did, physically but I saw the fear and the shame in her little girl's eyes
Big strong man pled guilty so HE didn't put the girls through a trial yeah, what a saint
my neighbor filed for divorce and listed me as her daughters babysitter to get her kids back
the day he was arrested my neighbor told me her father had molested her when she was a child
a few quiet months go by - she asks if I will keep her daughter for the weekend, while she visits HIM
then again, and again. She told me it was her daughter's choice if she wanted to see HIM. She did not!
You see HE found GOD while in prison, and she forgave HIM, being the good Christian that she was.
Eventually they moved - too much house, not enough money on one paycheck.
We lost touch as the kids got older and I was divorced, so I changed jobs and we found each other again
They were getting ready to move again into a bigger place because HE was getting out of jail.
I never spoke to her again, we were neighbors who became friends over a tragedy.
and friends who become nothing over a travesty.
Shame shame shame on any female who fails her child this way. (Not a mother in my eyes)
by RainbowCR on March 3, 2010 at 10:53 PM
My mother was not able to help me when I needed her either. She knew my dad was sexually abusing me when I was six and she didn't do anything to stop him. I forgive her, I love my mom, but at the same time a part of me will be mad at her forever, she was beaten and verbally abused by my father as well so ¿how could I not forgive her? It really confusing...
by Justfaceit on March 9, 2010 at 8:50 PM
I recently had another repressed memory return. It's been years recovering what happened to me. Denial and dissociation have been lifelong companions. 18 years ago I remembered being violently raped at 6 years old by my father. My older sister was in the room cowering in the corner and howling like an animal. All these years I just thought my mother knew and didn't care. Imagine my horror when I finally remembered what she did. She was pregnant and came into the bathroom that night after he raped me and wanted to clean me up. She discovered for herself what I had been telling her. Before he had been molesting me, now he raped me. Her reaction? "Do you want me to lose this baby? Do you want to kill your baby brother or sister?" Then she went on to beat my naked legs and butt as she redressed me in clean pajamas. Changed the sheets, yelled at me to get in bed, slammed the door and told my sister and I to go back to sleep. Like many of you, I don't trust the counselors and mental health folks. Surprised? Trust issues, intimacy issues, life alone all because two parents were absolutely despicable. 40 years it took to remember what they did to me. The only thing I want now is to know--how do any of you find a person to trust enough to get married? That amazes the hell out of me. Thanks for this website. I need to see all of this in print just to validate the reality of it all.
by RainbowCR on March 11, 2010 at 12:12 PM
Justfaceit, I'm so sorry. After reading your post I cried. I'm in shock.
My heart goes out with you.
There a web site called: aftersilence.org.It's a message board and there's many many topics related to sexual abuse, incest and rape, it's very interactive and has helped me a great deal. Livestrong is very good but nothing compared to that other site where anyone can talk freely about sexual and emotional issues because that is exactly what people like us need, talking! venting about the same things as many times as we want and people reading your post will give you support and they share what they do to deal with different issues.
give it a try..I did and I feel I'm improving in many levels since I began.
Hugs
Hugs
by RainbowCR on March 11, 2010 at 1:15 PM
There's something else I am doing that I want to share with you guys. I enter to this website: sexualabusesurvivors.com, read the After effects and Healing(I identify with several issues) The idea is that people write about how this issues personally affect their life one by one. At first I was reluctant to write about it since I did not want my husband or someone else find by accident what I was writing about but then the idea of keepping an online diary came to me and that's what I am doing now. Writing on my online diary, writing on aftersilence.org. Two years ago I wouldn't have been able to even think about what happened to me, I was so afraid of how it made me feel but since I began sharing all this with people who went through the same nightmare, real people, real issues, similar situations...I am not afraid anymore, I am doing it because I want to heal, I am committed to healing.
I hope it helps
by ruthielynn on March 14, 2010 at 5:03 PM
I am n ew to this comment page I wanted to share with you I am 43 yrs old and when iwas 6 yrs old iwas sexually abused by step brother more than 20 yrs older than me. later i was sexually assaulted by atleast 9 other perpatrators before age 9 yrs and I started with drawing from peers and people as much as possible. I got so used to avoiding interaction that I developed social phobia generalized I had for 30 yrs now fear of going in crowded places grocery stores out to eat in pack restaruant and church packed rooms small ones eat in public now in counseling hope to help me and talk to my pastor he said he did not know what social phobia was. he felt with abuse that caused me not to trust.anyone has experienced please e-mail me
by mdmusic23 on March 14, 2010 at 5:03 PM
It's good to read the stories here, to know that I'm not alone. I was sexually abused by my older brother (6 yrs older) from as early as I can remember, to when he moved out at 18 and I was 12. Now, what I'm going through is horrible depression, not knowing if I'm gay or straight or what a "man" is supposed to act like, and feeling like a child..like the 12 year old when it all stopped. My whole persona and who I see myself as is that little kid. I'm sort of at the end of my rope, have tried pretty much every psychiatric medication, been in and out of the hospital, and feel like I'm never going to get better. If anyone has been through something similar I'd like to hear what you have done to possibly get through this. I don't want to be "stuck" as a child the rest of my life.
Thanks.
by giftedwithlove on March 14, 2010 at 8:48 PM
I am 34 yrs old with 3 children and everyday is a struggle. People have no idea the impact of abuse has on a person. You struggle daily with everything. You second judge yourself even with the smallest issues. I'm thankful that I can finally acknowledge the trauma and the abuse. Talking about it is the best therapy that exists. I encourage anyways who has been a victim to seek some type of therapy, before it erodes who you truly are. It's hard to say, but love yourself first.
by Kansasflower on March 15, 2010 at 7:37 PM
I am 28 years old. My mother was a drug addict and gave me to my grandparents when I was two. Before then I had had been sexually and physically abused by one of her boyfriends. When my grandparents took me to the doctor when they first got me, around two years old, he advised that I had been molested and raped. My privates were red swollen and infected because of what had happened to me. Maybe two year's later my grandmothers uncle took me around the corner to the liquor store and put his hand up my dress, I was no more then 5. Some one called her one day and told her they he may be touching me, and she asked me if he was and I told her yes, then she got back on the phone and said " Yeah, she's lieing, nothing happened." Later, he stopped coming over. When I was 10 my 14 year old cousin started playing a game with me, she pretended that I was knocked out by gas, and then she would touch my private parts and my chest. My grandmother found out and tried to drown her in the bath tub in front of me. It's a hard thing to share, and a hard thing to get over. Now as an adult, i've grown stronger, but it take's so much sometimes to keep going. But we can all keep going, and we can all live meaningful full lives without letting this sick people ruin us with their own sicknesses. I know I didn't do anything to deserve the life I had, but I sure as hell can do something to make sure the next generations doesn't. There's no reason to repeat anything like what was going on. I love myself now. You failed you sorry ass people. I'm still alive and loving it.
by RainbowCR on March 16, 2010 at 12:27 PM
Kansasflower, Your comment is really encouraging, I think today I needed to read something very positive. Thanks a lot for that.
Victims of rape or sexual abuse and incest can overcome all these bad experiences but we need to commit to it. I see two choices here: I can feel sorry for myself and do nothing to change how I feel or, I can make all what it takes to lead a happy, fulfilling adult life. We had no choices when we were small and powerless but we do now as adults.
Some days are more difficul than others, and when I feel bad it could be really easy for me to just say that's it, I'm done, things are how they are and settle down for that, but then I remember the good days I have experienced when I worked on my recovery and how much I cherish those days, that wonderful feeling of been at peace with myself, which happens more and more often now.
It's ok to feel blue from time to time, even people who didn't go through what we did feel sad sometimes, we are not machines or objects, there's different situations that affect us and we have to learn how to deal with them.
Don´t give up the fight.
by Nina1172 on March 21, 2010 at 10:14 AM
I was molested by a boyfriend of my mother's from about age 7 until they broke up, around the time I was 10. He fondled me, made me touch him, & said inappropriate things, sometimes in plain view of my mother. I told my mom about the abuse when I was 8 & all she did was tell him not to do it anymore. She took no other action except to tell me not to tell anyone or I would be taken away from her, so I just endured until their relationship eventually ran it's course.
I am now married with two beautiful babies & am doing well for the most part, but still have flashbacks when my husband will either touch me in a particular way or make specific comments. I know he doesn't know anything is wrong because I have become very good at masking my emotions & I never tell him about these reactions because I don't want him to feel guilty or be cautious around me. I did tell him about the abuse just after we got married but I didn't go into any detail. It was a very short conversation & I made out like it had no lasting effects.
I think having my own children has brought a lot of this back to the surface, just fear that something will happen to my daughter, which is why I'm finally starting to face my own fears so I don't put undo stress on her like my subconcious reactions making her fear men or something.
by confused1 on March 21, 2010 at 10:34 PM
I'm 36 years old and me and my older sister were molested by our aunt and uncle for years. My mom wanted us out of her hair so she would take us there even though we cried and begged her not to. It started for me when I was about 10 and they would brush up against me or "accidentally" touch me. Then it moved on to waking up with thier hands on me in the middle of the night and it would be dark and I wouldn't know who's hands were where but they had them everywhere. They started giving us alcohol and I can remember waking up in the middle of the night with no clothes on and them over top of me with a poloraoid camera taking pictures of my naked body with one of them fondling me. When they had us boozed up they would take me to their bed and my aunt would hold me down while he had sex with me and while he was "raping" me she would have her hands and mouth all over me. We were threatened not to tell but eventually we did tell our mother who didn't believe us or didn't care I'm not sure which. My sister and I would talk about it sometimes but not in detail of what they done until the past couple of months we just broke down and couldn't take it anymore. My uncle stunk and we both say that when we're intimate with our husbands we can smell our uncle. I can't stop thinking about what happened to us. We can't sleep, it's on our minds 24/7 and I thought talking about it would help but I believe I'm about to lose my mind over it. I want them punished for what they done to us. They have ruined our lives. I broke down to my mom yeaterday and asked her why didn't she do something, why didn't she help us and she said "you must have liked it". WHAT??? She doesn't deserve the title of being called a mother.
by want2boverit on March 23, 2010 at 4:09 AM
I think everyone who's commented here is incredibly strong just to get through what they experienced.
I too was sexually abused by my step-father for 10 years (20 years ago). I recently reported him to the police in Australia and he was convicted and sent to jail for 3 years (only served 8 months before parole). My suffering continues. Yet if I took a gun and killed him I would get life imprisonment (except I've already got that).
Something's decidedly wrong with our legal system.
My mother found out quite early in the abuse and he promised not to do it again. She found out again and again. She chose to look after her middle class life and escape with valium and sleeping tablets. No such luck for me. She would tell me that I was responsible for ruining her marriage and destroying my nice family. Regardless of what anyone tells you no child EVER asks for or deserves to be abused.
Until I reported my father, I had a distant memory of the abuse which let me have a 'normal' even productive life, but the trauma has escalated over the last two years and I'm having trouble keeping it together which is tougher now as I have two small gorgeous girls for whom I despair - there are so many days when world is a cold horrid place I would like to be removed from.
Does anyone know how I can pull myself back together? I've done 2 years of therapy including group with other survivors in the last 7 weeks, but if anything I'm going backwards. Help!
by Aljb on March 26, 2010 at 8:37 AM
I was sexually abused form 3 yrs of age to 13 years old. At 13 years I lost a son, who was my fathers child. I am now 54 years old and have been cutting myself to feel the emotional pain. I've been cutting for yeaars. I'm also an alcholic. Have 5 days. Been to counseling since I was 18 years old but never been sober enough to have it help. Have been looking for a survivors group but there is nothing close to my area. HELP!
by InsanelyOk on July 9, 2010 at 12:22 AM
I'm 14 years old now. I was sexually abused from the time I was 6 or 7 (don't remember exactly) by my older brother until I was 10 and he was sent to juvenile. It seemed normal to me for some reason whenever it happened, I guess my mind didn't quite comprehend it. I can't remember everything that happened when he...you know.
Then when I was 11 and 12 my mothers boyfriend molested me a few times, almost raped me once... another time when I was 12 my sisters boyfriend tried to make me do thing to him, but I actually got away from him. I was kind of proud of myself for not letting him take advantage of me. It's hard whenever I get random flashbacks, it's like I'm going through it all over again. Sometimes I just can't take it...
I have problems trusting people and letting them get close to me physically and emotionally, but I've been trying really hard to make myself behave normally around people. The abuse has taken it's toll on me, emotionally mostly.
I get depressed for weeks and I always have nightmares. It's now to the point where I'm horrified to fall asleep. Most of the time I just wish I could disappear from it all and erase my existance forever, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I'm emotionally distant and cold to most people, although I long for someone, anyone that won't hurt me and who can make me feel secure. I have horrible self-esteem issues. I get headaches and stomach aches constantly. I know my problems will only escalate over the years. But there's not much for me to do besides accept it and move on with my life as usual.
by abusedNsuicidal on July 11, 2010 at 4:35 AM
People always say forgiveness is key to moving on but how do you forgive when the person that basically took your life away from you and left you as a hollow shell?
by Inhisarms on July 11, 2010 at 11:37 PM
I was molested by my brother starting at age 5. He was 10. Every day just about. I thought it was just what siblings do. One day when I was 10 he tried to rape me....he was very forceful, but I defended myself by scratching him (I had pretty sharp nails) . We also looked at porn ALL the time. He had heart surgery when he was 13...
Anyways...a few days after the attempted rape he developed a rash...and got sick. And died. He was 15. Most of my memories of him were the nasty ones. I was only 10 when he died. I didn't know what to do. I was addicted to porn, probable because I felt close to him...
I had no hope for life.
Age 13- I met Christ. Changed my life. HE restores your soul. Every part of it. You CAN move on from your past. In fact you MUST to live a full life. Christ is the only way! He will give you hope and strength to get through anything. I don't have any issues. And I know that whether dead or alive, there is forgiveness. There is healing for all. Trust in Him. He will take your burdens and pain and they will die with him on the cross. I am 17 and moving forward into a life free of pain and filled with healing and peace. I pray all of you may also!
by Inhisarms on July 11, 2010 at 11:40 PM
I was molested by my brother starting at age 5. He was 10. Every day just about. I thought it was just what siblings do. One day when I was 10 he tried to rape me....he was very forceful, but I defended myself by scratching him (I had pretty sharp nails) . We also looked at porn ALL the time. He had heart surgery when he was 13...
Anyways...a few days after the attempted rape he developed a rash...and got sick. And died. He was 15. I thought it was my fault...
Most of my memories of him were the nasty ones. I was only 10 when he died. I didn't know what to do. I was addicted to porn, probably because I felt close to him... and felt so hurt by his death.
I had no hope for life. I was traumatized.
Age 13- I met Christ. Changed my life. HE restores your soul. Every part of it. You CAN move on from your past. In fact you MUST to live a full life. Christ is the only way! He will give you hope and strength to get through anything. I don't really have any health issues now. And I know that whether dead or alive, there is forgiveness. There is healing for all. Trust in Him. He will take your burdens and pain and they will die with him on the cross. I am 17 and moving forward into a life free of pain and filled with healing and peace. I pray all of you may also! He is the ultimate healer.
by NowInBoston on July 14, 2010 at 5:52 PM
When I was around 13, I used to walk around the house, very innocent. I was starting to get breasts, but I didn't really notice. That is, I didn't notice until my mom kicked my dad out of their bed for snoring and he used to sleep in my bed. She would tell him to sleep in my bed, actually TELL him, so that she could sleep. Of course, she had no idea that he would fondle me while he was in my bed. The first time I woke up and he was doing what he was doing, my heart started beating so fast and I couldn't believe it. I thought this was my dad, the one that I trusted to love me like a daughter.
I don't even remember how often this happened, I have blacked out a lot of it. But I remember being in a restaurant for breakfast one morning, and my dad had gone to the bathroom and I told my mom that dad was bothering me with his snoring too. When he got back to the table she told him, laughing, that he couldn't sleep in my bed anymore! I stared at the table and could feel him staring at me. To this day, 25 years later, I hated him for being able to look at me with no fear.
I remember finally telling my older sister and she admitted he had done the same thing to her. I couldn't hear the details.
THrough the years I was extremely angry, and even though he had stopped 25 years ago, I still hide my body from him. I love him, but I am still angry with him. I think he is a GREAT dad actually, but I can never forget.
Now I feel like I am still angry, and it still affects my relationships. I don't know what I would have been like if it had never happened, and I walked around with that innocent 13 year old mind a little bit longer.
by NowInBoston on July 14, 2010 at 5:53 PM
When I was around 13, I used to walk around the house, very innocent. I was starting to get breasts, but I didn't really notice. That is, I didn't notice until my mom kicked my dad out of their bed for snoring and he used to sleep in my bed. She would tell him to sleep in my bed, actually TELL him, so that she could sleep. Of course, she had no idea that he would fondle me while he was in my bed. The first time I woke up and he was doing what he was doing, my heart started beating so fast and I couldn't believe it. I thought this was my dad, the one that I trusted to love me like a daughter.
I don't even remember how often this happened, I have blacked out a lot of it. But I remember being in a restaurant for breakfast one morning, and my dad had gone to the bathroom and I told my mom that dad was bothering me with his snoring too. When he got back to the table she told him, laughing, that he couldn't sleep in my bed anymore! I stared at the table and could feel him staring at me. To this day, 25 years later, I hated him for being able to look at me with no fear.
I remember finally telling my older sister and she admitted he had done the same thing to her. I couldn't hear the details.
THrough the years I was extremely angry, and even though he had stopped 25 years ago, I still hide my body from him. I love him, but I am still angry with him. I think he is a GREAT dad actually, but I can never forget.
Now I feel like I am still angry, and it still affects my relationships. I don't know what I would have been like if it had never happened, and I walked around with that innocent 13 year old mind a little bit longer.
by Donovan00000 on July 18, 2010 at 8:14 AM
8 through 10 or eleven years old my older brother who is 5 years older than me would molest me. I had trouble sleeping when I was younger (I still do have insomnia) and I was afraid to sleep alone. I would beg my siblings to stay up and play Nintendo with me because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't realize the abuse had occurred until I was about 13, when I started relationships with boys and doing drugs. I have told a few people when I was drunk or upset. I always tell them that I forgive my brother without him even saying sorry. It's so hard for me to hate him, because he was a child too. But what happened has really effected my whole life I believe. Since the time I lost my virginity I have had issues in relationships, I have been promiscuous and do not care for anyone I sleep with yet long for them to care for me. I feel like I have no RESPECT for myself and that I wouldn't like me if I met me. I cheat on almost every boyfriend I've had. In my most recent relationship I never felt like getting intimate but now that I'm single, all I do is have sex. I want to know if I'm being a selfish, confused 19 year old girl or if I really know better than to do all these things and just hold the fact that I was molested by my brother as an EXCUSE?
Just thought I'd vent since that is what everyone is doing. I might not even be looking for an answer.
by Donovan00000 on July 18, 2010 at 8:14 AM
8 through 10 or eleven years old my older brother who is 5 years older than me would molest me. I had trouble sleeping when I was younger (I still do have insomnia) and I was afraid to sleep alone. I would beg my siblings to stay up and play Nintendo with me because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't realize the abuse had occurred until I was about 13, when I started relationships with boys and doing drugs. I have told a few people when I was drunk or upset. I always tell them that I forgive my brother without him even saying sorry. It's so hard for me to hate him, because he was a child too. But what happened has really effected my whole life I believe. Since the time I lost my virginity I have had issues in relationships, I have been promiscuous and do not care for anyone I sleep with yet long for them to care for me. I feel like I have no RESPECT for myself and that I wouldn't like me if I met me. I cheat on almost every boyfriend I've had. In my most recent relationship I never felt like getting intimate but now that I'm single, all I do is have sex. I want to know if I'm being a selfish, confused 19 year old girl or if I really know better than to do all these things and just hold the fact that I was molested by my brother as an EXCUSE?
Just thought I'd vent since that is what everyone is doing. I might not even be looking for an answer.
by electric1 on July 19, 2010 at 9:15 PM
I do not know where else to turn. I need help. My my daughter was raper by her step brother from ?- 5years old. He did a year in a mental facility. Today she is 7 years old he is sixteen. I just found out he is sexually assalting her again. I have three other children that love him very much.he ha s been sleeping across the street w/his grandparents ever since he got out of the facility a year ago. I cant tell. his grandparents know it is hapening again. so the have been having him stay there more during the day. I cant tell anyone because he will go to jail, my family will broken my great marrage will be gone, which will lead to the other children be in a broken home with out there daddy they love. What do aI do?.
by electric1 on July 19, 2010 at 9:15 PM
I do not know where else to turn. I need help. My my daughter was raper by her step brother from ?- 5years old. He did a year in a mental facility. Today she is 7 years old he is sixteen. I just found out he is sexually assalting her again. I have three other children that love him very much.he ha s been sleeping across the street w/his grandparents ever since he got out of the facility a year ago. I cant tell. his grandparents know it is hapening again. so the have been having him stay there more during the day. I cant tell anyone because he will go to jail, my family will broken my great marrage will be gone, which will lead to the other children be in a broken home with out there daddy they love. What do aI do?.
by electric1 on July 19, 2010 at 9:15 PM
I do not know where else to turn. I need help. My my daughter was raper by her step brother from ?- 5years old. He did a year in a mental facility. Today she is 7 years old he is sixteen. I just found out he is sexually assalting her again. I have three other children that love him very much.he ha s been sleeping across the street w/his grandparents ever since he got out of the facility a year ago. I cant tell. his grandparents know it is hapening again. so the have been having him stay there more during the day. I cant tell anyone because he will go to jail, my family will broken my great marrage will be gone, which will lead to the other children be in a broken home with out there daddy they love. What do aI do?.
by electric1 on July 19, 2010 at 9:17 PM
do not know where else to turn. I need help. My my daughter was raper by her step brother from ?- 5years old. He did a year in a mental facility. Today she is 7 years old he is sixteen. I just found out he is sexually assalting her again. I have three other children that love him very much.he ha s been sleeping across the street w/his grandparents ever since he got out of the facility a year ago. I cant tell. his grandparents know it is hapening again. so the have been having him stay there more during the day. I cant tell anyone because he will go to jail, my family will broken my great marrage will be gone, which will lead to the other children be in a broken home with out there daddy they love. What do aI do?.
by surfgirl88 on July 22, 2010 at 11:07 PM
electric 1- I was abused by my brother, I was 8 years old i am now 23 trying to deal with all the after effects on my relationships and in my life. The most hurtful thing about the situation to this day is the fact that I told my parents they told me to forgive my brother and forget about the situation. They never got me or him help, the only thing that changed was he wasn't allowed to babysit. It is hard for me to go to my parents with issues ever since i felt abandoned, i feel like now, them protecting him was more important than them protecting me. Like some how i was responsible for the situation and for ruining there "perfect" happy family. My advice to you protect your daughter, she will need you. I did not forget!!! your step son needs help, something is wrong if he is doing that. To this day my brother is un happy and depressed. Think about your daughter, she deserves to be protected what ever that takes... I kept the secret for years, i felt isolated alone and i didn't even feel like i could go to my parents for help. The people i went too that i thought would be there for me.. you have to do something about it, please for you daughter.
by surfgirl88 on July 22, 2010 at 11:07 PM
electric 1- I was abused by my brother, I was 8 years old i am now 23 trying to deal with all the after effects on my relationships and in my life. The most hurtful thing about the situation to this day is the fact that I told my parents they told me to forgive my brother and forget about the situation. They never got me or him help, the only thing that changed was he wasn't allowed to babysit. It is hard for me to go to my parents with issues ever since i felt abandoned, i feel like now, them protecting him was more important than them protecting me. Like some how i was responsible for the situation and for ruining there "perfect" happy family. My advice to you protect your daughter, she will need you. I did not forget!!! your step son needs help, something is wrong if he is doing that. To this day my brother is un happy and depressed. Think about your daughter, she deserves to be protected what ever that takes... I kept the secret for years, i felt isolated alone and i didn't even feel like i could go to my parents for help. The people i went too that i thought would be there for me.. you have to do something about it, please for you daughter.