Sexual Abuse & Incest
Overview
Sexual abuse involves forcing, tricking, threatening or pressuring a child into sexual awareness or activity. Sexual abuse can be physical, verbal or emotional, and occurs when an older or more knowledgeable child or adult uses a child for sexual pleasure. The abuse often begins gradually and increases over time. It can include sexual touching and fondling or exposing children to adult sexual activity including pornographic movies and photographs.
Incest is defined as sexual relations of any kind perpetrated by a biologically or non-biologically related person functioning in the role of a family member. Other trusted adults could also sexually abuse children and teenagers. These include parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, stepparents, grandparents, coaches, baby sitters, clergy and teachers.
The use of physical force, known as sexual assualt is rarely necessary to engage a child in sexual activity because children are trusting and dependent. Children are taught not to question authority and they believe that adults are always right. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse know this, and take advantage of these vulnerabilities in children. Sexual abuse is an abuse of power over a child and a violation of a child's right to normal, healthy, trusting relationships.
Incest and sexual abuse are at epidemic proportions. Statistics from RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National network), state 15 percent of sexual assault and rape cases occur in children under the age of 12, with 93 percent of juvenile sexual assault perpetuated by someone they know. Of those assaults, 34.2 percent of attackers were family members, 58.7 percent were acquaintances and only 7 percent were complete strangers.
Symptoms
Because most children cannot or do not tell about being sexually abused, it is up to concerned adults or friends to recognize signs of abuse. Physical evidence of abuse is rare. Therefore, we must look for behavioral signs.
The following are general behavior changes that may occur in children and teens who have been sexually abused:
. Depression
. Eating Disorders
. Sleep disturbances
. School problems
. Withdrawal from family, friends, or usual activities
. Excessive bathing or poor hygiene
. Anxiety
. Running away
. Low self-esteem
. Self-destructive behavior
. Hostility or aggression
. Drug or alcohol problems
. Sexual activity or pregnancy at an early age; promiscuity
. Suicide attempts
Click here for more symptoms.
Additional Symptoms
Children and teens who have been sexually abused frequently have more specific symptoms:
. Copying adult sexual behavior
. Sexual play with other children, themselves, toys or pets
. Displaying sexual knowledge, through language or behavior, beyond what is normal for their age
. Unexplained pain, swelling, bleeding or irritation of the mouth, genital or anal area
. Urinary infections
. Sexually transmitted diseases
. Hints, indirect comments or statements about the abuse
Treatment
Often children and teens do not tell anyone about sexual abuse because they:
• Are too young to put what has happened into words
• Were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
• Feel confused by the attention and feelings that accompany the abuse
• Fear that no one will believe them
• Blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
• Feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
• Worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble
A small percentage of kids who are victims of abuse or incest find the courage to tell someone. These disclosures can be as painful as the incest itself; the child believing he or she is telling on someone he or she loves and reliving the horrible experience. They don't want to cause problems, they just want it to stop. No one really knows what makes one child disclose and another not. We do know that it is incredibly important for a disclosure to be heard respectfully and to be believed.
Often when a child discloses incest, he doesn't have words to answer all the questions adults ask. They simply don't understand what is happening. Adults who are already uncomfortable, get frustrated and the whole thing gets dismissed. Oftentimes adults react with denial, and decide that the child was "making it up" or "fantasizing." Just remember... if a child is not believed, it is most likely that he or she won't ever tell again.
Children and teens who have been sexually abused feel many different and overwhelming) emotions, like fear, anger, sadness, guilt and confusion.
Ask Your Counselor/Teacher/Parent
Every child is vulnerable to sexual abuse. Since one out of four females is sexually abused by the time she reaches age 18.that could include you, a friend or a sibling. Today's teenagers and children must face the possibility that someone may hurt or take advantage of them. Almost all of these children will be abused by someone they know and trust: a relative, a family friend, or a caretaker.
It happens--and not just to other people. Children of every race, religion and economic status are abused. What makes this problem even worse is that the effects of abuse and incest don't stop when the abuse stops. They stay with the child as he or she grows through adolescence and into adulthood. Self-hatred, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, eating disorders, the inability to trust and suicide are common results of incest and sexual abuse.
If you were ever sexually abused, even if it was years ago, it is okay to tell a trusted teacher, school nurse, guidance counselor or friend.
For more information about child abuse, click here.
Member Comments
by lexagmor on November 6, 2008 at 9:09 PM
It's so important for kids and teens to know that they must tell parents or trusted people if they've been abused. I wish I had learned about this in school or from my parents when I was a kid; I wouldn't have spent so much time being silently confused and embarrassed.
by Revkat on November 12, 2008 at 2:54 PM
My 14 year old granddaughter went to school authorities this past spring and reported that her adoptive father had been entering her room at night (when he thought she was sleeping) touched her inappropriately and masterbated. He did this for two years. She reported it because she wanted it to stop. Her father was arrested, but my daughter arranged his bail. He was restrained from being present with the children. My daughter took the children (my granddaughter included) to his mother's house in the U.K. so that my granddaughter would not be available to testify against him. My daughter insists my granddaughter has made all this up. I believe my granddaughter. She is a loving, always well behaved child. But over the two years I saw changes in her I worried about. She was very withdrawn, and her eyes had lost their sparkle. Her school work suffered, and she would neglect to turn in homework. Now the father is in the U.K. The charges were dismissed since there was no testimony. He is at his mother's with my daughter and the children. She hasn't had much contact with me since her mother moved her there. I suspect she feels to talk about this now is to be disloyal to her mother or run the risk of losing her mother's love. Any wise advice out there?
by momwhocares on January 13, 2009 at 10:53 AM
The courage for children to tell is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. The fear they must push through, the fear of facing their abuser in court, the fear of allowing people to probe them, investigate them seemingly far more than their abuser. My children were molested and even raped by a relative; my former spouse lied for him, doesn't believe all 4 of his children, who are all amazingly brave but deeply damaged. We will survive, there is no doubt about that but I think and have experienced that the ones who are apathetic and do not believe will someday pay a grave price, including judges.
by rubidu_twee on February 3, 2009 at 2:52 AM
what is one to do when 2 first cousins are sleeping to getter?
by Suzie1952 on February 3, 2009 at 2:39 PM
I am very concerned about my 15-year-old granddaughter. Her stepfather has convinced her mother to cut her off from her father, brother and all the rest of the family. We no longer are allowed to have any contact with her. He is obsessed with her. When she's away from home, he calls/texts her literally every two minutes. If she's doing something with a friend, he makes her feel guilty about choosing to be with a friend over spending time with him. Everything in me tells me something is very wrong, but she seems to adore him. I do know he buys her anything and everything she wants and he treats her like a princess. Would she be so close to him if something was going on? Please help.
by katlmill on April 16, 2009 at 9:23 PM
Suzie - Trust your instinct. My father incested me for years and we were very close. He cut me off from other people and made me feel very special. Kids want attention. Even if he is molesting her, she could still feel close to him or be afraid of him. I think my dad bought me things to keep me believing he was a good person and I was a bad person. Most of the time the perpetrator will tell the child telling what they've "done together" would ruin the family, make the mother and father hate her or he might threaten to kill the family if she tells. One thing I wish someone had done for me was to tell me they would protect me and my family even if my abuser said he would hurt them or their family. The incest dynamic is so awful and children believe it is their fault and they are participating in what is happening. Please ask your granddaughter or talk with a professional. You could save her a lifetime of heartache.
by katlmill on April 16, 2009 at 9:25 PM
Suzie - Trust your instinct. My father incested me for years and we were very close. He cut me off from other people and made me feel very special. Kids want attention. Even if he is molesting her, she could still feel close to him or be afraid of him. I think my dad bought me things to keep me believing he was a good person and I was a bad person. Most of the time the perpetrator will tell the child telling what they've "done together" would ruin the family, make the mother and father hate her or he might threaten to kill the family if she tells. One thing I wish someone had done for me was to tell me they would protect me and my family even if my abuser said he would hurt them or their family. The incest dynamic is so awful and children believe it is their fault and they are participating in what is happening. Please ask your granddaughter or talk with a professional. You could save her a lifetime of heartache.
by honeyyenoh2000 on February 27, 2009 at 4:56 PM
i was molested by my father from the age of 3 to 17. i have ptsd and have been diagnosed with manic depression. it has affected every aspest in my life. i am 44 now and barely believing i am worth something and have the right to say no.
by MightyMichelle on September 9, 2009 at 12:50 AM
I am going through some of this stuff....i need help??
by vimalat1 on October 5, 2009 at 5:45 PM
MightyMichelle,
I hope you got support for whatever you were going through when you posted. I just joined and am a survivor and the partner of a survivor as well.
by livestrong4 on October 15, 2009 at 5:20 PM
is it possible for someone to suppress memories of sexual abuse for a long time? if so, how can someone tell if they are real memeories, or if it is just their imagination?
by mydaughterslove on October 27, 2009 at 9:10 PM
My daughter went threw the same thing when her father got custody of her and has been doing things to her for six years or for as long as she can remember. She never told me anything so I thought her father was a good dad.He used to buy her nice things all the time and she loved him so much. I notice wierd things when everytime she was away with me. He would think of things that would make her want to come home. Like always buying her an animal as a surprize so she would want to come home quicker. Then told people at school about her father doing these horrible things to her. My daughters father found out the police wanted him and then shot himself. My daughter has went threw a lot which I am sure so many of you have. She is now feeling her fathers death was her fault. But I know it's not. He made his choice. I am having a hard time helping her threw this all of this. She is in the hospital to her help and I an feeling guilty because she wants to kill herself. I am lost at this point trying to figure out what I can do to help her.
by Lisakay45 on November 20, 2009 at 7:07 AM
if a 2 yr old screems when her mom goes to change her diaper and cries could this be a sign that something is happening to her , her father was charged with a sex offense,
and my daughter dates him and has a child by him , that is the now 2 yr old
I had her first daughter who was 2 when she got her back and i noticed the same thing screaming and crying when i went to change her diaper and she started licking on my arms and legs and acting like a puppy and now she is 4 and hasnt been around that man for about 2 yrs but now the baby now 2 she has by him is act the same way. What is it , does every 2 yr old do this ????
Lisa
by jennishaS on November 22, 2009 at 1:43 AM
well its happend to me and ive been dealing with it for nearly 15 years i hadnt been dealing with it much until almost two years ago when the person who did it came back into my life and ever since then my lifes has gone down hill i honestly dont know wat to do the only ppl ive ever told is my bestfriend and myboyfriend i dont know what to do..please help
by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM
I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.
by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM
I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.
by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM
I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.
by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM
I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.
by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM
I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.
by abasjewel on November 29, 2009 at 3:02 PM
I was sexually abused at the age of 3 by my own father...not sure how long it lasted, just started remembering this about 4 yrs ago and I am 48...I will say there is freedom and healing. The telling of what happened is the hardest part...forgiving yourself is key--even though we didn't do anything wrong as little ones we don't understand that--we think somehow we were responsible.
by mouie on December 2, 2009 at 7:12 AM
I'm looking for some guidance for myself and my girlfriend in dealing with what she just told me.This happened to her in 1984 when she was 23 he was 48.She had not seen her father in 21 years. He called her from Italy out of the blue. He came to the usa with her half brother who was 9. Before going back to Italy asked her to come and meet her family. She went a short time later and stayed for 2 months. within a few days she had sex with him and they lived as boyfriend/girlfriend for the 2 months she was there unless his girlfriend came to visit from France for a few days.I'm not sure who was the the one who started it.She dose not remember or will not say if it was her or him.I find it hard to belive it would be something you would not remember.She said it was good and bad time, at one point he pulled a gun and told her I gave you life and I can take it. A month after she came back to the U.S. she went on a 10 day trip to a carribbian island with him. She said she had a great time.I don't understand how she would go on that trip, which he was to go on with his girlfriend. She wanted to go to Italy in spring of 1985 but he said it wasn't a go time to come. They talked on the phone many times over the next few months but never saw him again and now hates him.I love this woman and we've been talking about getting married,she dosn't want to,but would live with me.I am having a hard time with this.I need some questions answerd.I don't know if I should talk to her more about this, she dose not want to talk about it again. Am I wrong in my feelings.Help
by FORGIVENESS on December 21, 2009 at 9:44 PM
I have also been a victim of incest,for many years I hated my father for what he did to me.I carry all the memories way into my late 20's one day some memories were awaken in my mind, this thoughts almost kill my spirit,soul and any faith that I had left in me. I was 3 when it began and 17 when I claim my freedom. Many years pass before I told anyone my dirty secret. One night wile I engage in all the ugliness of my memories I felt all the hate for both my parents, then I had a spiritual experience, something left me the moment I remember how much I HAD LOVE THEM! I am not a religious person or belong to no church but I always remember praying Palms 51 "create in my a new hart..." and as a child I told God that if He existed don't let me loose my mind and self. That night I made the decision to forgive my parents, I felt all the love, all the sadness that had afflicted my family, then I pray for their redention if there is life after death. I felt free for the second time in my life, clean,happy, and no more nightmare came to me for a very long time. After that day I found medical answers for all of what happen, I saw out any possible element that has good for my soul. I will not tell anyone that all the memories went away, or that I see my parents, no I learn to love them from a safe distance. My father never ask for my forgiveness, my mother has gone before my 4th birthday. Sometimes I will call my dad to just say I LOVE YOU, because he created me, but it been years since he saw me, and I just live 1 hour from him. If I share any hope for anyone today start by forgiving your self fist, It was not our fault, then try to forgive them.I know this is a tall order, but I know it works. And 2nd don't let your spirit, soul. and mind be continously be rape by memories saw dark as rape,molestation or incest. you friend always.....Forgiveness!
by ily095 on December 23, 2009 at 7:23 PM
When i was just 12 years old and i am still now. a rumor spread out about me haveing sex with one of x-boyfriends. i am still a vergin. but the things ive done..... Guys always texted me or facebooked me saying do you give blow jobs or hand jobs i said no. but that couldent help anything one day one of my friends i new sinse i was in 2nd grade then and said hey come hang out so i did but i soon noticed these 2 guys were the boy who i nevered talked 2 they both grabed me andon eby the waist and i said no but forced i gave the one guy a hand job while the other fingered me that day i cryed all night wondering why i said yes this happened to me many times till now i ened up going to another school. i still rember that day wondering why. another story was when my parents always fighted i rember my dad kicked me and many more . my parents will always fight just yelling and i soon noticed that they dident want eachother but they only lived in the same roof because my mom could pay the bills and my dad dident. I stoped talking till my mom when she broke a promise that i was so excited about and she told me to shut ass hole she never said that to me and till now i barley speak i wish someday i want to live some where else away from everyone so they can forget me. -eliabeth when will i have a real home
by dreshany on December 24, 2009 at 11:47 AM
I am sorry for all of you who have been or are going through so much. I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse. I belong to a site that has helped me so much. It is pandora's aquarium. I highly recommend anyone who is a survivor or a secondary survivor to check it out. />
there is a link to the forum on the right hand side. They also have a very active chat room and it is very secure and moderated.
www.pandys.org or http://www.pandorasaquarium.org/
Best wishes to all of you.
by help4cutters on December 28, 2009 at 8:47 PM
You can be an overcomer and move beyond your struggle with cutting. Never give up HOPE...check out wwww.doorofhope4teens.org they have a team of counselors that will guide you through your recovery process. All their services are at no charge and the have a hope line at 1 888-HOPE-307
Give them a try and remember that you are not what your scars represent
Blessings to all of you who read this post.
by help4cutters on December 28, 2009 at 8:48 PM
Correction: the correct link for the above post is
http://www.doorofhope4teens.org
by lily91 on January 1, 2010 at 10:00 PM
I am 18 yrs old. I was abused at the age of 8 or 9. It didnt last long. I eventually reported it and the man was arrested, he confessed and was going to jail, but he fled to India. I went to therapy and I told everyone I was fine and I think for the most part I was, However, now I think not. I come off as a very confident capable person, however, on the inside I question my a lot about myslef, whether its about my studies or about my relationships. Ive always had a troubled relationship with my mother, she works nonstop and according to our therapist..has lost track off me for most of my life. She is also a victim of domestic violence.
My biggest problem is maintaining long lasting close friendships. I used to doubt my relationships with friends whom Ive known for 4,5 yrs. Im constantly thinking if Im likable and self-conscious. If I look at friends in my life..the closest one I had was at a boarding school 6 yrs ago, but now I dont have a really close set of friends...I have friends..just not close..and its the same at college..I feel so alone and Im anxious over it too. I hate being this way. I just really need to get out of my head.
This is my first time writing about my abuse and my insecurites.
Thanks.
by InLimbo on January 31, 2010 at 10:50 PM
I feel guilty for feeling better at reading these stories from survivors of child sexual abuse. Because, so much of it rings true for me too. I don't know if I'm a survivor, because I'm still living with my dad. He doesn't do anything to me anymore, but his mere presence everyday makes me feel I'm never going to pass this stage of my life. I feel I can only truly be free and move on when I can leave all of the nightmares behind.
by creativeaura on February 2, 2010 at 8:36 PM
I want to know what to do after the fact. I'm a victim and I already had the situation squashed, he can't bother me. I still have emotional scars tho. I have trust issues with men and find myself looking to them for pleasure than commitment. It disgusts me. I even considered messing with females. What makes it worse is that my parents don't know of these "side effects". but i can't bear to tell them because they are religious leaders in our congregation.
by drpatti on February 6, 2010 at 6:29 AM
I want to invite all girls who have been through sex abuse to my site www.girlthrive.com - Please find comfort and support in our blog- Also our book "Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse" is a wonderful support system. Girls can thrive and have wonderful lives after sex abuse. You are the strongest girls I know! xo Dr. Patti Feuereisen
by mysadlife2 on February 20, 2010 at 2:32 PM
i was sexually abused from the age of three onwards by my mums sisters husband,my auntie in question has died now and i thought the world of her but her husband still living is sick,my mums brother also tried abusing me when i was in my early teenage years and my mum did not beleive me,i have grown up with a very tormented life and it has affected my marriage very much,i never was able to show a lot of affection to my children due to this and i feel i have missed out on the enjoyment of life,i also have another cousin who endured the same nd i think its disgusting that people can get away with this
by mysadlife2 on February 20, 2010 at 2:52 PM
i am a 44yr old lady,i was abused from the age of three by my aunties husband,i eventually got the courage to tell my dad who wanted to knock his head off and my other stopped him,my cousin was also affected by this inconsiderable abuse that i found out on the death of my mother,my auntie who i loved so much as now recently passed away and that arseole is still living,i just dont know what to say to abused people these days as it should not happen,i cant beleive it is still going on my youngest daughter was sexually abused when she was about 8yr old and i took it to court and she was examined which was liked being raped again,it went to court and all the evidence was there but because there was no dna and he was a miner he could not be convicted and put on the sex affenders list,there is so much going on on the internet now that i think we should be able to do a name and shame list,anyone up for this
by jclairedelunek on February 27, 2010 at 1:50 AM
How can I not feel sad and cry all the time and want to kill myself? My own brother, 2 babysitters molested me. I feel dirty and ashamed and I can never tell my mother because it would kill her because shes been abused but I can't form a trusting relationship with anyone. Noone knows the real me. I feel so alone, and noone will ever want me. God I just want to die.
by Bostonguy781 on February 28, 2010 at 12:34 AM
I am A survivor as well. I have been dealing with it since when it happened at age 6. It has disrupted my family, and has torn the family apart.....
I understand the extreme post traumatic stress others feel regarding this subject and can just say to keep on trying to find justice.
Exposing these criminals is the only way to stop these monsters, or they will keep doing it...Dont be afraid to tell the police...
In my case, I was a child, and by the time I reported it to my local police department, the statute of limitations had passed and the rapist (my first cousin) got away scott free...
Tell the police as soon as you can, in my case it was too late....
by Sgibson3 on March 6, 2010 at 4:53 PM
I have a soon to be ex wife that is putting my daugther in dangerous situations. She has a job that keeps her at work all hours of the night. She has a boyfriend already and has been having him (and sometimes his kids too) spend the night. My daughter usually sleep in the bed with her. (sleeps in bed with my daugther with just his underwear on per my daugther!)I know at least twice my daugther has been left in his care while she is away. She seems to think because he has 2 daugthers of his own, he is not capable of sexual abuse. The legal system does not help me protect my daughter. I believe my daugthers saftey is not her priority. My instinct tells me something will eventually happen to my daugther. Maybe not this guy, maybe not the next, But my wife does'nt seem to get it. WHAT DO I DO ?!?