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Here's How to Get Exactly What You Want in Bed

by
author image August McLaughlin
August McLaughlin is a health and sexuality writer with more than 10 years of experience as a nutritionist. Her work is featured in the Huffington Post, DAME Magazine, The Good Men Project and more. She specializes in eating disorders and loves connecting with readers and writers via her blog and social media.
Here's How to Get Exactly What You Want in Bed
You can't expect a sexual fantasy to magically come true, but you can direct it to. Photo Credit Photographee.eu/Adobe Stock

It’s Monday morning and you and your partner just locked lust-filled eyes. Within minutes you’re entangled, having the sex of your most sensual dreams. So in tune with your desires, it’s as though your lover is reading your mind.

Yeah, right.

As delightful as this scenario may sound, it’s not realistic or relatable for most of us — unless you’re characters in a rom-com. Getting what you want in bed tends to take time, practice and communication to get know yourself and your partner.

In other words, mind-blowing sex that fulfills your desires is realistic if you’re willing to make the effort. Fortunately, the process can be not only spicy and fun, but it can also invite more intimacy and pleasure to the mix.

1. Spell It Out

Ask any sexuality professional how to ensure that your sexual desires are met and they’re likely to suggest open communication — for good reason.

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research in April 2016 showed that couples who openly communicate and feel sexually in sync tend to have active, satisfying sex lives in later adulthood.

“Our sexuality is constantly changing and evolving,” says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Los Angeles. “If we don’t express our desires, our partner will never know what works and what doesn’t.”

Don’t assume your partner will “just know” what you want, said Chavez. Aim instead for simple, direct communication. If you want your partner to whisper sexy words in your ear during sex, for example, prompt them. Draw them close and say, “Tell me what turns you on,” or, “How does it feel when we do _____? I want to hear you describe it.”

Communicate about what feels good — or not so good — in the moment as well.

“Give yourself permission to give feedback,” Chavez added. “It is not about hurting your partner’s feelings or being insensitive. It is about being open and intimate about your sexuality.”

If you want something bad enough, why not just ask for it?
If you want something bad enough, why not just ask for it? Photo Credit Alex_Po/Adobe Stock

2. Provide a Demo

People’s fantasies and mental images about sex tend to vary, said Dawn Serra, a sex educator and relationship coach in Washington, D.C. In addition to articulating your desires, she recommends demonstrating on yourself as a powerful way to convey them.

If you long to be touched in a particular area or way, for example, show your partner by touching yourself accordingly. If they don’t follow suit as you’d hoped, gently guide their hands or add words to the mix.

“Nonverbal cues can be helpful, but if they’re too subtle or if they’re not crystal clear, it can be challenging for a partner to pick up on them,” said Serra.

To clarify while you’re demonstrating, offer guidance, such as, “I’d love it if you touched me like this,” or, “This would feel even better if you did it.”

If your partner is game, you can also demonstrate what you long for on their body, then ask or guide them to reciprocate.

Watch an erotic scene with your partner (that you've picked out and approved) and see where it takes you.
Watch an erotic scene with your partner (that you've picked out and approved) and see where it takes you. Photo Credit elnariz/Adobe Stock

3. Read or Watch Erotica

If you’re not inclined to share your desires through words or demonstration, or you simply want to try a fun alternative, look no further than spicy books and movies. Arousal starts in the brain, where creativity and story processing live.

“We are wired to respond to visual and auditory sexual stimuli,” said Chavez, who often encourages clients to read each other erotica as foreplay. If you’re feeling really creative, she suggests writing your own and reading it aloud to your partner.

Read or watch an erotic scene that illustrates a fantasy you’ve set your sights on with your partner, letting them know it entices you. If you crave something new but aren’t sure of the specifics, explore books and films for ideas.

If you have something kinky in mind and consider yourself more “vanilla,” for example, choose entertainment featuring role-playing or light BDSM, or stream an erotic tutorial.

4. Play a Game

You’re never too old to play, especially when it comes to sex. Spicy games can help you learn more about each other’s desires while heightening intimacy.

“Sexual desire thrives when we are creative and incorporate novel experiences into our sex lives,” said Chavez.

A sense of novelty sends feel-good chemicals, such as dopamine, to the reward center of your brain, making way for more fun, connectedness and pleasure.

Play a round of sexy Q&A and inquire about each other’s desires. Act on them immediately, or let anticipation build for a set amount of time. Try a game of fantasy charades, taking turns acting out favorite sexy experiences you’ve shared or wish to have. For a twist on strip poker, choose an enticing act to engage in with each piece of clothing that comes off.

No matter what activity you choose, let your mind’s creativity wander as you play. You’ll not only have more fun, but you may even discover new desires in the process.

What Do YOU Think?

If you don't mind if we ask, what are some of your sexual fantasies? Which of these communication tactics will you use with your partner?

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