1. What is Emotional Intelligence?
Typically, we think of intelligence as I.Q. But intelligence is actually information. Intelligence Agencies around the world offer gathered information to leaders who will use it to make decisions. Emotional intelligence works the same way. Our emotions inform us both of what is going on internally and of how we feel about what's going on externally. If we can use this information well, we have emotional intelligence.
2. How Do Emotions Inform Us?
If you are standing on my toe, I may feel anger. My anger (along with the pain in my toe) is telling me that there is a problem. Effective use of that anger would mean that I ask you to get off of my toe. Ineffective use of that anger may mean that I push you off of my foot and/or hit you, suffering subsequent consequences.
3. How We Utilize Information Is Everything
For many of us, anger, or what we call "negative emotions," are repressed before we can even grab hold of them long enough to make a decision. Therefore, we are not able to respond to them intelligently. We may then be passive, passive/aggressive or aggressive in response to this intelligence. But if we remember that emotions are simply information, we can recognize and respond to them objectively.
4. Emotionally Intelligent People are More Successful
Obviously, people who know how to use the information given to them by their emotions are going to be more effective in relationships, at play and in interactions with supervisors and peers at work and school.
5. How Do Young Children Develop Emotional Intelligence?
Some children have an innate ability for emotional intelligence. But it can also be taught though "emotional coaching," according to John Gottman, Ph.D, author of "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child." Parents can help children to become aware of their emotions early in life by recognizing emotions as they arise. For example, if Johnny knocks down his blocks when he is told it's time for bed, you can say, "I know you are angry, but if you pick up the blocks we'll play with them again tomorrow." Too often we think of our children's emotions as problematical, because they get in the way of expediency. But really, their emotions are informing of their inner worlds and, according to Gottman, give us the opportunity to create an intimate moment of learning. But if your child is mad at her friend, you may want her to be "nice," so you say, "Oh, you don't really hate Mary." Gottman suggests instead that you validate her feelings. Perhaps you could say something like "You seem really mad, what happened?" As she gets more and more verbal you may be able to challenge her to give her feeling a name or show you what it feels like. Once she has a name, emotional coaching involves guiding her through the options for a solution while helping her to consider what is and isn't effective.
